Ep. 14 Unknown Territory

This is Lacey Jones and this is Episode 14 Unknown Territory. Hello and welcome back to another week of fun. On this podcast we are going to kind of pick up the conversation from last week where we were talking about that intentional model. And as I signed off, I had mentioned the Instagram reel that asks can we skip to the good part? And then it quickly transitions from this kind of ugly before picture to a beautiful after picture with the after picture being the good part. And my thought was that that beautiful after picture is not actually the good part, but that the good part is that transition from the before to the after.

And that this transition is really where the beauty of coaching comes into play. And as we start to build our intentional life and relationships, things are going to change. And with change usually comes new emotions and circumstances that we aren't always prepared for. Think about it. When we set a goal to change a behavior, an outcome, or a relationship, we're stepping into this unknown territory. It's like we've plugged in a new destination in our GPS system, which for us is also known as our brain.

And our brain has to figure out how to get there to the new destination, the new behavior, the new relationship. Well, the brain's job has always been to protect us, so it's going to want to protect us and get us to this new destination either as quickly as possible or not at all if it deems the path to the new destination to be too dangerous. So there's going to be times when your brain tells you that this new idea and plan is really a bad idea and not to continue. And if you're stuck in emotional childhood where you blame kind of the circumstances of your new path for the new emotions you're feeling, you're going to shut down real fast when you see the circumstances as the effect of your frustration and inability to move forward. That is emotional childhood. And when we seek blame, instead of taking responsibility for our emotions as we journey forward towards our goals and intentional life, we'll need to learn to take responsibility for emotions and realize they're just being caused by the stories that we're creating about our new circumstances.

We'll need to move further and further into emotional adulthood if we really want to achieve our big dreams and our big goals. And as you attempt to take responsibility for the emotions that you experience, it's really important that you remember your why behind each new goal.

That why is going to be the fuel behind a lot of your actions when the going gets tough. So we're going to build out a model to kind of illustrate this point. And in an effort to illustrate this, we're going to step into a coaching session and what it might sound like when a client comes to me and wants to improve their relationship with their teenager.

And a lot of my sessions are just real quick, 20 to 25 minutes. It might not seem like a lot of time, but it's actually pretty cool to see how quickly we can get right to the root of a problem and how much work can be done in that time frame. So Susie is our client and she has signed up for a coaching session because she feels like she's mirroring her son's terrible rot and no good behavior and she doesn't like how she's reacting to what he says and does. She believes that the tension between them is going to push them further and further apart. And instead of listening to her or coming to her for help, he is going to spend more time with the wrong crowd, the wrong group of friends and he will make some terrible choices.

Alrighty, so first of all, kudos to Susie for taking the initiative to sign up for a session to work this one out and notice, while there is fear for her son's choices and the consequences of those choices, her main goal is really to change how she reacts when her son says or does something that she doesn't agree with. So in order to really understand what's going on, we're going to look at a specific circumstance where she felt really frustrated with her son and didn't like her reaction to him.

So she comes up with an experience from earlier in the week. Her son had been suspended from school for something that he and his friends had done and a couple of days later he had wanted to go hang out with his friends. She said no because he was suspended. To which he responds, you are the worst probation officer ever. And at this point she was so done with him, she became frustrated and overwhelmed and said some things back to him and she was not happy with how she reacted.

So what we'll do from here, that's a very quick kind of thought download and what we'll do is we're going to break this into pieces and we're going to put it into the model. And remember, we start with the circumstance or the C, then the thought, and then that feeling that's created by the thought and the actions that were taken from that emotion and finally the results produced by the actions.

So if you have a pen and paper handy, you can write Ctfar in a vertical line if you really want to get a visual of this model as we build it out and we'll start with the circumstance or the facts. And when I build models, I like to focus in on just one circumstance at a time so that we can really hone in on one thought at a time. And in this scenario, the sun's words are going to go into that sea line. These are the facts. This is Susie's circumstance that she's trying to understand. So we don't want to paraphrase what the son said. We want to use his actual words. And when we paraphrase, we really start to add words that weren't really said, and we usually add more drama and emotion.

So paraphrasing is more appropriate for the thought line or I guess, to say anything that we paraphrase that would become the thought line. So our C line will read, you are the worst probation officer ever. Those are the son's exact words.

Now, Susie had a thought when her son said those words. And what's interesting, when I ask a client for their thought, they're sometimes going to phrase it like this, well, I was so frustrated because and they'll kind of lead with that emotion, and I want to listen for the next part, which is the story or the thought line about what that child said? And she said, well, I was so frustrated because his reaction wasn't justified, and he was pushing back on what I said. Notice how she led right with that emotion that she was feeling and then the why behind that emotion. And when we experience the circumstances and words, people say to us, we have a thought in order to create that emotion within us. And Susie shared two thoughts. Number one, her son's reaction wasn't justified. And number two, he was pushing back on what she said. Now, as a coach, I like to isolate that one thought. And in this model, I chose to go with he is pushing back. So now Susie's T, or thought line in her model reads, he is pushing back. And the feeling line reads frustrated, as we mentioned before, because she said she felt frustrated. And so we just put the thought before the feeling because we're trying to show her where her agency lies and where her power.

Our goal is to empower her, to create this relationship that she wants with her son no matter what he does. So that's why we're showing how the thought creates a feeling. Now that I know how Susie felt in this situation, I'll ask her how she acted while she was feeling frustrated. And she said she turned it into a battle between the two of them as they both kind of stood their ground and continued to say harsh things to each other.

And she gave him all the reasons why he was wrong. She didn't offer guidance, and she didn't create that connection that she wanted with her son. So these are her actions and inactions, and they go in the a line of her model. Now we get to the result line, and it's always interesting to see how that result line directly mirrors the client's thought line. So when Susie was frustrated, she continued to speak harshly with her son, and she gave him all the reasons as to why he's wrong.

And this verbal battle ensues. And the result Susie created for herself was that she pushed back on what her son said. And if you remember correctly, she was frustrated because she thought her son was pushing back on what she said. So she's mirroring her thought about her son and she isn't showing up in a way that she wants to. And as I deliver this result to Susie, it's important for me to check in with her understanding of the model.

So I'll ask where is that frustration coming from? And sometimes the client will label the circumstance as the cause of the emotion. So I'll do a know teaching and show that that story or thought about the circumstance is really what's creating the emotion and that it's 100% optional and that this is such good news. It means nothing outside of Susie has to change in order for her to show up as the mother that she wants to be in future situations with her son when he offers that pushback.

And it means that Susie is in charge of her emotions and the actions that she takes. It means she can create the closeness and the connection with her son that she wants without any change from him. She takes the responsibility for her thoughts and she uses her agency to choose a deliberate thought and she really empowers herself to create that life and connection that she wants. So from this place we're going to dive a little deeper into Susie's thought that her son is pushing back because there's this sneaky little thought that follows it.

And that's up to me as the coach to kind of see and identify and to point out. So Susie thinks he is pushing back and in parentheses following that thought is and he shouldn't be. Susie is actually judging her son's words and his actions and wanting him to act according to her idea of how he should react instead of accepting reality. And her frustration is created because she's fighting that reality and she's wanting a different outcome than what she's receiving.

So let's look at this. When you heard me first Ratle off what her son said, what was your thought? Was it that he's pushing back? Or was it yep, sounds like a teenager? Or maybe you agreed with him and thought something along the lines of yep, mom, you are a terrible probation officer. So each of us, we're going to have a different thought based off of our own perspective. And that perspective has been built off our life experiences and upbringing, which means our thoughts are not facts, they are completely optional and we can change them in an effort to create a different emotion so that we take different actions. And as I work with Susie, we'll dig into why this is her go to thought in this circumstance. And having that understanding of why she naturally goes to such thoughts can really help her kind of unpack a lot of fears and worries. Her work to do will depend on how quickly she sees her current thought pattern and chooses to accept responsibility for that.

So as she accepts responsibility, she can start to rewire her thought process as she comes to expect that her son will offer pushback in the future and that it's okay and that it's to be expected. So let's look at her model when we replace the words in the parentheses with something more intentional. So as we build her intentional model, we keep the C or the circumstance line the same. The son is still going to say, you are the worst probation officer ever.

But Susie's new thought is going to be he's offering pushback and then in parentheses, and this is normal behavior for him. Thinking that this is normal behavior for her son and that nothing has gone wrong. Susie now feels this greater sense of peace rather than her underlying fear. So as she feels more peace around her son's reaction and words, she's going to be better able to guide and teach him from a place that honors who she wants to be as his mother.

And her result is that she creates a more kind of normal way of acting that aligns with who she wants to be. Now, as I say that, it creates a sense of peace. I'm not saying that he is going to say rude words to her or be a jerk. And she's just like, oh, that's awesome. I expect that from you. I feel loving towards you. Right. She can still put boundaries into place, and she can speak up and say, those words are unacceptable in my home.

Those words are unacceptable in our relationship. When you use them, I will no longer engage in a conversation with you. So keep in mind she doesn't have to just roll over and play dead when he's rude or out of line, but she's going to have to be in a headspace where she can draw that boundary from a place of love if she wants it to be effective and to not really sink her and let that mom guilt come into play.

So that's why we're saying, look at the parentheses thought she put in this one, that it's normal behavior for him, that when he basically, he's going to get backed into a corner, he's going to get mad, he's going to get frustrated, he's going to lash out, and he's going to say something.

And as she comes to expect it, oh, yeah, he's him. This is how he acts when he's frustrated. And then she can be like, well, that doesn't have to play into me and how I feel, how I react. So it's kind of this shift in her thought pattern, and then she rewires her brain to react a certain way in certain situations. So this is going to take time, and she might need to be deliberate in pushing pause before reacting. The next time her son says something that she doesn't agree with. She's not always going to handle the situation how she wants to and there's going to be little hiccups along the way.

But as she kind of seeks to remember the why behind her attempts to build this stronger connection with her son, she's going to more easily commit to the work that she needs to do. Now I want you to think about something that you're trying to change. Maybe it's a relationship or a goal that you're working towards and what is your why behind that change? What will keep you motivated when frustration starts to seep in? How will you help yourself move forward? So Susie, her why is she wants a better relationship with her son, a deeper connection, and she really wants to show up in a way that honors her goals as a mom.

She doesn't want to just give in to the garbage and the frustration. She wants to show up in a way where she can lead and guide him to a better place. So that's kind of her why. Now when you consider your why before you move forward, take time to write it down and post it somewhere where you can see it. So when the transition to your after picture gets tough, you can create the motivation you need to work through it all. And remember, reach out if you need help with any of this. Schedule a quick session and let's dig in. It's such gratifying work to do. It's not always easy, but you can start to develop relationships and work towards goals that you want to achieve it.

So thanks for joining me, friends. I hope you have a good week working towards your goals and we'll see you next time.