Ep. 22 Creating the Space to Hear Him with Special Guest Trisha MacQueen

This is Lacey Jones with Elevate the Individual episode 22 Creating Space to Hear Him with Trisha MacQueen it is a special day on the podcast, so special that we are going to split the fun into two parts. I want you to have a chance to listen and absorb the wise words of our very special guest today and then ponder on them throughout the week. Before we jump into the second part of our conversation next week. And I am so excited to introduce you to my dear friend, Tricia MacQueen. Trisha came into my life about four years ago when I started working for the same company that she's been working for. And shortly after I started working there, we became managers. And while she's in California and I'm in Seattle, we have since developed a true friendship. Many a conversation has been had in the wee hours of the morning as we have offered support and guidance for each other on a myriad of topics, ranging from the very trivial to the extremely spiritual and everything in between. We have laughed together and at each other and we have each shed our fair share of tears as we have supported one another during times of trial. Our friendship is not unique because this is who Trisha is. Trisha is a woman of faith, not by coincidence, but rather by choice. And through the deeply personal work she has done to draw closer to our Savior, she has dedicated her life to helping others also feel God's love for them. For the past couple of years, Tricia has been helping to support, guide and care for her aging mother. The experience has brought pain, frustration, grief and heartache. Recently, Tricia shared a few tender experiences that have brought joy, peace, love and hope for her and her family. We're going to jump into a conversation that Trisha and I recently had where we talk about all the things, so please sit back and enjoy.

But just this morning I was reading my scriptures and one of the things that I realized is that I very much had to be humble to receive the inspiration and the messages and be willing to accept the guidance that I needed to take. And so I think that's kind of this year has been growth for me, but it's been like I had to be broken down to be brought closer to the Lord.

And it starts with your personal work so that you can then go and make those connections with other people and together you're going to do work. But to be the truest form of healthy right mentally and emotionally, you've got to do the work for yourself.

And the model wasn't on my radar at all. And I grew up with this very clustered way of thinking. In fact, I still sometimes hear my mom forecast the worst possible scenario and that's where she lives, in that fear and panic, in the always looking for the worst to happen, like even just with the little things that she still can control in her life, the worst is going to happen. And so I came from that place and it wasn't until I realized that that was affecting my outcomes because I was always looking for what was the worst case scenario. And when I realized that I had way more control over the situation and that actually what I could do, is stop, just let it go. I'm by nature a pretty positive person and I was letting those things control me and I was looking at the worst case scenario for outcomes. And so when you introduced the model to me, I started applying it to many different circumstances in my life as a parent and it really was very helpful. But then I realized that this applies in every area of my life. Quickly realized how helpful it was with my mom. And when I started taking control of that emotion and of my emotions, taking control of behaviors, I stopped feeling frantic, I stopped feeling clustered. Like, I did a little meditation this morning because I found myself feeling the same thing recently and overwhelmed. I stopped feeling overwhelmed working on the model. And recently that started creeping in again and I've realized that I've not been purposefully working through model scenarios. And there was a long time where anytime that creeped up, I would write it down and I've gotten out of the habit. So it was a reminder, get back in the habit. But this little meditation I did talked about how stop trying to do all the things. Just do the next thing. Do one thing and then do it and then the other things. You can't do five things at once anyway, so why are you worrying about five things at once? Just do one. So I think when I started working through the model and doing the work and realizing that I got to choose the outcome and sometimes it was a little hard because it meant filtering out some people that were constantly, always pushing me.

What's interesting about other people in our lives is they get to act how they want to, but we right, we have to do the work up here. And sometimes it's like, no, that's too much effort. I don't want to be doing all of this thought work and mental work just to be around this person so I can show up in a certain way. So no thank you, not right now.

Right. That's it. And then I started to realize that and I'm really grateful for this because in my life I work a lot. One of the things I take pride in is having personal connections with the people I work with. And I am really involved at church and I love my calling and I work with people, the women. And then I like to volunteer and I just like to be involved. And I like the one on one connections involved with my family, and I just like to serve. And what I realized was I was spread too thin.

Yeah.

And I needed to pick the better parts. And working through this model is what made me realize is that it was okay to put other things off my plate for a season that I could take off my plate, like going out with friends, even though it's something I may really enjoy. I don't have to go to a relief society dinner or, I don't know, I could choose. I can choose to go to the temple by myself for a few hours rather than go to a girls night. I can pick what feels right for me, and I don't have to feel guilty about it because I can choose not to feel guilty about it because you know what I mean?

You've done the work personally to be in that space of like, okay, what choice do I want to make and why am I making this choice? And is it coming from a place of confidence or is it, like you said, coming from a place of guilt?

When I make this choice and I grew up with a lot, like, I definitely guilt was my go to emotion. My whole life was really Lacey. It wasn't until the last couple of years that I started to really take control of that and realize that was something I was choosing to feel.

Yes.

And I just didn't have to do it. I really just wasn't that bad of a person.

I love it. Okay, so when I was thinking about having this conversation with you, I know that you know a lot of people, right? Everyone seems to know Trisha MacQueen. But not everyone knows Trisha MacQueen. And so we need to introduce you to the world because you are a positive light for so many. And when I was thinking about this little conversation, the words that just came to mind were connection, relationships, testimony, service, and really this light of Christ and your ability to share it with others in a way that honors and respects who you are and who they are. And so, in order to be this fabulous Tricia MacQueen that I know and love, what work have you had to do personally to kind of get yourself to that place? Now, you mentioned that you haven't always felt this way or made choices from such a clean place. What work did you have to do to arrive there?

So, honestly, one of the biggest things I considered and thought about, that probably the biggest impact in my life. And I don't know why wise, young Tricia did this, but at a young age, probably 23 or 24, I realized that when life's challenges came, I took comfort and solace in my scriptures. And when the biggest, hardest get in bed and don't get out of bed challenges came, I turned to my scriptures and I made that a habit of turning to the Lord and listening and hearing and seeking his counsel in the scriptures. So because of that, I think I opened up my heart to hearing his messages and I was able to hear what counsel he had for me in this chaotic world and in the crazy, hard times. And so I made that habit. But also, anytime that I would slip out of that habit, things just went sideways. It was never good. I've had some really beautiful experiences in my life that make it very clear. I guess I should back up a little bit and say that when my son was born, I had this really beautiful experience where I knew I was supposed to be a student of the scriptures. I needed to learn my scriptures, I needed to love my scriptures, and I needed to be a lifelong student of my scriptures. And so I was kind of like, okay, I'll do my best. And then as challenges came along, they eventually got so big that I was frozen. I kind of had that thought in my head, like, go to your scriptures. And so then I would turn to my Scriptures. After a couple of times of that, I realized, like, oh, look at like when I stay in my scriptures, the challenges aren't as difficult. Like when I make it a daily habit. So there was years and years and years and years. Literally. I had two little kids, chad was five and Morgan was one. And I had committed to read my Scriptures every single day for the rest of my life, even if it was just and this is my commitment, three verses a day.

Oh, I love it.

That was my yeah, right. Just three verses a day was my minimum because I knew that there were going to be some really bad days. So three verses will keep my commitment. And I crawled in bed that night and I turned the lights off and I laid down and I realized I had not read. And I had that young mom exhaustion thing going on and I literally started crying. But I rolled out of bed and pulled my Scriptures down from my nightstand and crawled into the hallway because we were in a tiny little apartment.

Yeah.

And crawled into the hallway and flipped the hallway light on and read my scriptures. And verse one, two, three. Verse three was the exact answer to a real big problem I had been struggling with. And literally just there it was waiting for me. And it was kind of this cool experience where I realized that that is how it is with life, that the Lord is waiting there for us. He's just waiting to give us the answers. We just have to do our part. So since that point in my life, my scriptures have always been that go to moment for me. So I think that would have to be a big part of my foundational work where I go to what has helped develop my habit or my heart.

I 100% agree. You've always been a great example of that to me. And the Bible studies that you do. And Lacey, I found this style of Bible and you have to see this journal, this Bible journal, and you have to see this one that I'm working on, and this one, and this one. And I love a saying that I've been trying to kind of implement for myself is when I need answers or when I need to talk to God, I pray. And when I need him to talk to me, I go to the scriptures. And so I think you are a genuine example of that and how that has really guided your life. These big moments that you've experienced and our daily conversations used to be, oh my gosh, I just need to go to the scriptures, right? I know that. I just need to go to the scriptures. I just need to go.

And I've had these experiences in my life where and my favorite thing is when a bishop said to me, and probably the funniest thing ever said to me in my whole life, he goes, so have you been reading your scriptures very much lately? And I said, well, not as much as I need to be. And he know, because when you read your scriptures, man, you're on fire. You are unstoppable, you are amazing. God's working through you, we can see it. He goes, when you don't, you just suck.

Thanks, Bishop.

Appreciate that. I think that really sums up pretty much how I am when I am in my scriptures and I stay close to the Lord. And maybe that's how it is for all of us when we stay close to Lord. Some people it might be in the scriptures, maybe some people it's through singing hymns, maybe some people take walks in nature writing journals, whatever it is. And some mamas it's in those quiet moments of the night, holding a sick baby that's probably as close to God as you can get in whatever way it is. When we stay close to God, we're great.

Yes, we're on fire, we don't. And then other times we just suck. Right? I like it. Okay, so this is the spiritual work that you've done. And at one point when we a couple of years ago, I think we started talking about the model more in coaching. How do you bring that into your life? And does the spiritual work affect how you use the model? How do those kind of play together? Are they separate or are they together? I know, it's a good question, isn't it?

It's a really good question. I think they do go together. I think the model goes right in hand with the gospel. We have free agency. That's the one thing. We have control over our minds. We have control of ourselves. So we get to pick. I think that's actually one of the most freeing things we have is we get to choose our reactions. One of the things we're talking about is with my mom. I help my mom, and my mom is aging. She has moderate Alzheimer's, some dementia, kidney failure, congestive heart failure. She's on hospice, and I'm the one that got to sign the papers. And I had no idea. I mean, I knew all these things, but signing those papers for some reason was really quite devastating. So all these things are going on, and I deal with her all the time, and there was kind of a moment where it just flipped because I used to get very frustrated with her behavior. She's not always nice to her caretakers still. She's not nice to her caretakers. So if I want a different outcome, I can't change her. I can't change her reactions. I can't change it, right?

Yeah.

But I sure can change how I feel. I don't like the end result where I am frustrated with my dying mother. That just feels ridiculous. I'm going and spending time with my mom, and then I come away feeling frustrated with her. That doesn't feel right. My time with my mom is waning, and so through the model, through working through it, I've been able to come to cherish the time. I come away feeling like that. Most every time I spend with her, I leave feeling like I've been given a little gift. And I think the biggest thing is that the way it ties together is that because I'm staying close to the Lord, I have a bigger variety of emotions or thoughts to pick from.

Oh, I love that.

And I have an eternal perspective. Like, I have eternal thoughts to pick from. So instead of, like, I don't want to leave feeling frustrated, instead of just saying, well, I want to leave feeling satisfied or I want to be content, I can choose to, like, I want to be I don't know. I haven't really thought about what emotion actually, I choose to leave feeling actually, I want to leave with my mom feeling happy, peaceful. Peaceful. I want to be at peace, and then in turn, I feel at peace, but I want to be calm. And I think because I look at the spiritual perspective of it, I'm better able to fit in. I don't even know if I'm making sense at all.

Yeah, one of the things that I focus on is, first, take an individual, right, and kind of get them to a place of confidence and calm, and you keep mentioning peace. Get them to a place of peace where they start to realize that they are not at the effect of everything going on around them, that what's going on around them really will exist. It will happen. People will make choices. People will do things and say things. But our agency is how we interpret it. Our story about what's going on. Right. And so I have watched you in this relationship with your mom evolve. And evolve is the most beautiful word ever. Right. And I see you at such a beautiful place right now because of some of the deliberate choices that you're making. Your mom has not changed in the fact that she's getting calmer. She's making deliberate choices. Right. She's not in that state in her earthly existence where that's an option, but it's an option for you because you want a different result when you interact with your mom and also when you're not able to interact with your mom.

The difference is I started applying the model to all aspects of my life, and I think it just naturally filtered over. And I remember there was one day that we were talking, and you just pointed out that my mom works with professionals every day. For some reason, I just never had really considered it, and that made all the difference. But I changed my thought. Instead of my thought being concerned with what people were concerned about my mom, like, I'm sorry my mom's so difficult. Instead of that being my thought, my thought became, how can I make my mom more comfortable through this experience?

Yeah.

And that, in turn, made I don't know, it made everything smoother and easier. And then she calmed down, and then she wasn't as contrary. And maybe I'm just imagining that maybe my heart was softer, and so we didn't feel as contrary.

Well, and when you show up in a state of calm and peace and confidence with your mom and her experiences, I imagine that she feels that. Right? And she has that presence next to her. And then you respond when she has questions. Because I remember a conversation where there was some concern of how she would act during appointments. Maybe that's it, right? And just being like, okay, well, why don't we just expect that that's going to happen at these appointments? Let's not just be flabbergasted or embarrassed or whatever by her behavior, because let's give your mom some credit. This can't be easy for her. And in her younger years, she'd probably not really like, what was going down these appointments. And so just expecting, hey, here's A-B-C and D that could possibly happen during this moment. And what's the work that you can do to prepare yourself to come from a place of peace and love to help her feel more comfortable and give her the words and the experience that may help with that? Right?

Yeah. No, and that made the hugest difference when I came from that exact area of just caring less about what everyone else and caring more about making her comfortable. And like you said, I've never experienced this before, and for lack of better word, broken minds, like, as she very childlike, very innocent. And so I was like, all right, what if this was a three year old. How would I? So I just had to put it in a different context. But I think back to the spiritual side of it is that one of the things I did so besides staying in the scriptures and that was really helpful. But one of the things that was really amazing is that I really saw in hindsight right? In hindsight, we see so much more, right?

Oh, yes.

I remember about this time last year, I had reflected that several years before, I lived close to a temple and I had made commitment to go to the temple every week for a year. And I did it. We lived in Utah and I went to the Baniful temple every week for a year. And it wasn't like I had to go to a big session, but just go at all period. I went to the temple every week for a year and it was great. And I just thought, I don't live as close to the temple, but I was kind of going through some circumstances in my life and I thought this would be good for me. I don't have young children. I don't have huge time commitments. I probably could make this happen even if it's just early Saturday mornings. I live near enough to several temples that I'm sure I could make it happen. And it was actually really fun because I did have to travel a few times and the people knew as I traveled and would help me get to the temples. I remember I went to Alaska to visit my son and daughter in law. My daughter in law went to the Anchorage temple together. I went up to Utah, visited sister. We went to the temple together. It was really fun to have these different experiences. But all of a sudden, about seven months into it, my mom got really sick and just kind of turned a corner. And her health demanded more time. And it wasn't that her physical health demanded more time, but her mental health demanded more time. She was suddenly calling me five and six times a day, and it was like more of a comfort needed for her. And then also her hospice nurses would call me and then her assisted living facility would call me. There was lots of little problems going on. And there are moments that my mom understands the circumstances. There are moments that she forgets what hospice needs. So she is like, I think I need to go to the hospital. It's probably the most painful thing in the world to have to explain and then re explain and then explain again to your mother that she is on hospice and what that means. It's brutal. Everyone has suggestions for you, like, oh, but you could let her facility do it. Yeah, that's pretty heartless. I feel like I'm the right person to do that. Just almost like just a sudden stop from my weekly attendance to just almost cold turkey done. And it was really weird because I just suddenly wasn't able to go. And then I got sick, and for three weeks, I wasn't even at church because my whole family was just so sick. So I finally got to the temple after being gone for three months, and I went into the temple, and I think I shared this with you, but it's kind of neat enough that I should share it again.

It's amazing, and I know it's coming. I'm like, yes, you need to share this.

So I sat down in the session, and going to the temple is just a very for those people who might not be LDS, it's just a very reverent worship session, just a very much more prayerful, contemplative opportunity to worship the Lord. And it's just a more reverent quiet. And I have a healthy dose of ADHD, so it is not uncommon for my brain to just go, go. However, when I go to the temple, it usually just takes a couple of minutes, and my brain just slows down, and I quiet, and I feel that a peace descends upon me, and I just feel that sweet spirit that's there. That did not happen. And I remember 1520 minutes into it feeling frustrated. It's like, what is going on? And it wasn't even like my thoughts were wandering, but it was just one thing after another, thing after another. I felt like it was like, do you ever have those times where you're, like, laying in bed at night or in the early morning, I need to do the laundry, and I need to take the trash out, and then I need to get so and so okay, that's what was happening to my brain. I was like, oh, my goodness. Like, come on, this will all be here after the temple. What is going on? And I was very frustrated, but I was like, okay, whatever. And so after it's over, and I get to the celestial room, which is the most beautiful and reverent quiet room, really a place where you just meditate in prayer. And I sit down, and I'm now taking a few minutes to pray and say, okay, God, thanks. Could you not help my brain? I'm just kidding. That's not what I was doing.

Sure was in there somewhere, though, wasn't it?

I was like, okay, what was more like, I'm sorry I haven't been in the temple in so long. I made this commitment, and I was really hoping to feel that same peace and calm because my life has been so overwhelming and frantic lately. To say just, my mom is only a tiny piece of what is going on in my life.

This is just kind of where we're driving the conversation, but it is a fraction of it.

Yes, my life has a lot of stuff going on, but anyway, it is fun and exciting. My scriptures are well worn, but while I was sitting there praying. All of a sudden it dawned on me because I started praying for specific things and answers for specific problems. And all of a sudden it dawned on me that as I prayed for a specific problem like, oh, help me find a solution. Will you help me to understand this circumstance or help me to find a way to work through this problem? And all of a sudden I realized that I thought about that when I was sitting there and then the next thing and then all of a sudden I realized what I had thought was my brain was just wandering was literally like a rapid fire sequence of inspiration from the Lord. And it was like one thing after another, thing after another. It was answer after answer. It was inspiration after inspiration of how he could help in different mean and no joke, not little answers big. Do this for mom, do this for daughter, do this for husband, do this for work, do this. It was like one thing after how to help your own mental health, trisha, how to help your own one thing after another thing. I mean, down to how to better organize my house, one thing after another. And I realized it's like Heavenly Father said, I get it, I get how busy you are. I've been waiting for you to be here. Here you go. And I just bam. Like he just opened up and laid it all on me. And I felt very much like he was very aware of me. Heavenly Father was waiting for me to be there and just to help me and give me what I needed. But I also realized that he knew what was happening. Heavenly Father is very aware, of course, of each one of us and what the big circumstances are. He knew what my year was going to look like. He knew what the second half of my year was going to look like. So here I'm thinking, I'm making this sacrifice to go to the temple every week and he's saying, trisha, come to the temple every week so I can help prepare you, so I can shore you up, so I can prepare you and help you. And it was amazing when I realized that I thought I was giving this gift to the Lord, that I was sacrificing something for Him. And isn't it just the way we think we're sacrificing the Lord and we give this tiny portion and then he says, and here is this feast I'm giving back to you. And that's what it was, is that I was receiving this abundance of strength and guidance from Him. So I felt like this six months of weekly temple attendance gave me this just unbelievable, immeasurable amount of strength to get through this time right now. So I don't know that it was ever supposed to be this weekly temple attendance for a whole year as much as it was supposed to. Be come to the temple every week for as much as you can because I know what's about to happen and I am going to help you right now because you need this for what's going to happen. It was this beautiful moment when I realized I had been given such a beautiful gift like this. Heavenly Father knows me well.

He does know you. And what's interesting is your choice to study the scriptures has led you to know where to find the answers and the inspiration that you need from Heavenly Father. And because you've shared it with others, it has influenced even me. Right. You started talking about going to the temple weekly. And so when I made that decision, as my schedule changed, right, in April, and I saw your example of that and so I took the challenge as well and made it Temple Tuesday, that's when I went. I'm like, hey, if Tricia can do this, I can do this. And I've seen the blessings that have come to you from Dedicating. Like you said, it's a holier time to spend and it's more reverent time to spend and contemplate and think and feel and love and meditate and ponder and receive inspiration. And so for those who are of our faith, they have the opportunity to do that. But for those who may not be of our faith, can you schedule a time in your life once a week where you do set the things of the world aside?

Yeah, absolutely. I would highly recommend that. In fact, I think that's one of the biggest downfalls we have in our society today is that we do not disconnect. Maybe that's one of the reasons why we feel the spirit so strongly in the temple is we turn off all electrical devices at phones, everything is tucked away. Even when we go to church on Sunday, people are looking at their phones. But in the temple, all that is tucked away. You don't have anything with you, it is just you. I think that the greatest gift you can give yourself is too. Once a week, tuck that all away. Take a paper book or a notebook that you can write in, sit outside or tuck up in a corner. Make it a routine of your house. Have a cup of cocoa or tea or coffee, whatever is your favorite way to and sit and reflect and write or go on a hike, but make it or a walk, whatever. Make it a set routine. I think that those quiet moments are where you are grounded, where you feel in touch with your deeper self, where it's like the world tunes out and you slow down and you get to the rhythm of yourself. So often we march and we catch the rhythm of everyone around us of work. We speed up and we get busy and we get frantic. But then when we can just kind of take some contemplative, reflective time for yourself and you'll be surprised what comes from it. That's what I think is amazing. When you do that every week for an hour or whatever, you're going to be surprised at what results come from it.

Amen. Right? So during COVID when kids were all home on computers for school, I'm on computer for work, and it's hectic and it's wild and it's so out of our norm. At one point, we had brought a new carpet into our living room and I started calling it the Magic Carpet because I remember just sitting there really crushed by the weight of my responsibilities. Now, during quarantine, basically, of having the kids home and still trying to fit in work and manage all these unreasonable expectations of, okay, not just on me, but on the kids. Right? And it's not because someone, one thing was saying, you need to do this. It was just all of a sudden, things for the world came to a halt and it changed a lot. And I remember sitting on this carpet and just calling it my magic carpet because it was my moment of peace and it was really where I could slow down and just stop. I felt flat as a pancake, but in that moment, taking time to reflect, taking time to feel, and just shutting all the expectations out and trying to find that connection again with our Heavenly Father, and like, what do you need me to be in this moment? How do I need to present myself? What work do I need to do personally so that I can show up for these kids as we all work together in this experience?

Here's where we're going to pause the conversation. And this next week, I want you to take the time to figure out how you're going to create the space to receive the inspiration that you need to find the answers of the questions, the big questions, the small questions, all of it. How will you create the space so that you can hear him? You'll find an episode that you love on this podcast. Please share it with a friend if you think it will help them this holiday season as well. Thanks, friends. We'll see you next time. Bye.