Ep. 3 Overcoming Fear

Elevate the Individual - Episode 3 Transcript

Hi. This is Lacey Jones and this is episode three, overcoming Fear. Hello friends. I am excited for this podcast because it's kind of been ruminating in my head for the past week. And as I've lived life and had a few experiences, I've picked up some pieces of info and some situations that have really solidified my thoughts on overcoming our fears, not just in life, but as we parent our children. So before we get started, I wanted to encourage you to do something while listening to this podcast. Maybe you're driving home from work or you're grocery shopping, or folding the laundry and putting the dishes away. Maybe you're in the middle of a project like painting the inside of your house, or gardening or creating something. When I first started listening to podcasts, I would turn them on while I was working around the house or on a previous little business venture that I was doing. And I can still remember the little room I would work in while listening to coaching podcasts. And occasionally I relisten to some of those podcasts or I hear a familiar concept taught in a different way and I can remember where I was in that little room when I first heard that concept. So at the beginning of the pandemic, I decided to start sewing again and I really dove into Piecing quilts. Well, I found a fun show on Netflix, as we do, and decided to just kind of binge watch that while creating this quilt. And so as I use those quilts that I have created during that time when I use them, it kind of jogs something in my memory and in my mind and I can remember the show and the specific scenes and characters. And it's just interesting how having something tangible that we're creating and doing while also listening and learning. I don't know about you, but it just really helps things to stick. I don't have the best memory. I can read a book, like a page in a book and a couple of minutes later be like, I don't know, I remember it was really good, it made me feel good or I didn't like it or whatever, but I can't tell you specifics. It's kind of interesting, but I just think we retain more information as we're doing something and listening. I'm a big advocate for that. So I strongly encourage you to be doing something while you listen to my podcast. And who knows, maybe as you continue doing that something in the future, you'll have a little memory of something you had learned on the podcast and it can kind of solidify that. So let's dive in. Right, so this past week, my three youngest kids and I, we took a road trip and we were in the car for two days before getting to our destination. And we traveled, it was about 1000 miles each way with all the different commuting I did within the city. And so we tried to listen to some podcasts that we were looking forward to, and at one point, my son was scrolling through different shows that we could watch with whatever reception we had and whatever stretch of the freeway we were on, and he landed on the Goldbergs. Now, some of you may or may not be familiar with the Goldbergs, adam Goldberg and Beverly Goldberg, but they are fictional family, and they're based off the creator's real family and the life that they lived in, like, the 1980s, or they say, 1980 somethings, right? So they usually stretch and add in some pieces from the 1990s and early 2000s. It's kind of a walk down memory lane, but it's a hilarious show. I love humor. And Beverly Goldberg, she's a riot. She is the mother. She can best be described as a smother. She smothers her children with her love, and she's overprotective. She has absolutely no boundaries when it comes to her children. And my son was watching the show on my phone, but it was hooked to our car, so I was listening to it through the speakers, kind of like a podcast. And if you remember, in my previous podcast, I've talked about the Ctfar model, the Circumstance, Thought, Feeling, Action, and Results model that I use to sort out any of the problems or concerns that my clients, they're working through. We try to put the little pieces in order. So I'm listening to Beverly Goldberg as we're driving, and she has gotten into this particular situation, and I can just hear her voice, her emotions come through and some of the actions that she's taking. And I thought, oh, wouldn't this be kind of fun if I started to build a model out of what I'm listening to? So I just wanted to see if I could pick up her thought process and then if that thought process was going to create the result that mirrored what she was thinking. And true to form, the model did not disappoint. So let me kind of set this scene for you and give you a brief rundown of this particular episode. So, it is the 1980 somethings, and the Goldberg family now has call waiting on their phones, right? It's no longer pick up the phone and try to dial and get a busy signal. You can get a call waiting signal, and then that person can choose the flash over and pick up, push pause on one conversation, and start a new conversation. And this is just like, the greatest invention in their lives, right, of the kids lives. However, the dad who is paying for this great service in their lives, he gets up in a call waiting circle, and just in this fit of rage, he decides to get rid of all the phones in their house, right? So, as a result, one of the teenage sons and his girlfriend, they can no longer have their conversations on the phone, and they have to write love letters to each other. Well, Beverly, being Beverly, intercepts these love letters and begins reading them. And she discovers that her son and his girlfriend have been talking about marriage and their future together and their children and what they would name their children. And she just completely panics over the thought of losing her baby, because this is her baby and she smothers him the most. So she ends up inviting the mother of her son's girlfriend over, and she shares her concerns with this mother. Now, keep in mind, please, this is set in the 1980s, so there's some society thoughts and opinions, and this show really does this fabulous job of exploiting the fears of society during that time. So in the course of their conversation, beverly learns that the girlfriend's mother is divorced, and she just cannot believe it. She just starts spinning, and all of these ideas and thoughts are coming to her mind, and this is where my coaching brain, it just kicks in. And I'm really starting to listen for Beverly's model. Because the mother of this girlfriend is divorced, beverly is choosing to believe that if her son marries his girlfriend, that they, too, will end up divorced. And this just creates an overwhelming sense of fear for herself. And she starts building all of this evidence about how history repeats itself, and she just convinces herself that her son is doomed to a lifetime of misery and pain, and she can't handle it, and she is not going to let it happen. So she is really in this tornado of fear based off of all of these stories she has created from the little bits of information that she has, because this is her perspective in life, right? It may not be your perspective, but this is Beverly's perspective. So, again, lacking any and all social boundaries, she tries to show how the lives of other divorced people have totally fallen apart. And side note, it completely backfires on her, and she ends up really driving a wedge between herself and her son, and she totally becomes divorced from reality. In good old Beverly Goldberg fashion, this is what she does. Well, through a series of events, she begins to see the error of her ways, and she approaches the other mother, and she apologizes for her unkind words and her inaccurate assumptions and her extreme actions, and decides to open herself up to whatever the future holds. And when she does this, she really begins to repair and strengthen the relationship with her son and other family members. And that, in the end, is really all she wants. So I found it interesting that the fear didn't come from someone else's choices or words, but rather Beverly's idea about the situation and circumstance. And in this case, the circumstance was just words that she had read in her son's love letters with he and his girlfriend. And that fear drove her actions to the one result she absolutely feared, which was the loss and loss of connection with her son. So her thoughts became a self fulfilling prophecy. Okay, now, earlier I mentioned that I was listening to this show while on a road trip with my sons. And if you know me at all, you might know that I've had what I consider a very real and at times a somewhat irrational fear of driving on freeways. So to kind of set the stage for this, this is a road trip where I was the solo driver traveling, like I said, almost 2000 miles with the different commuting that we were doing. And it was not just a little blip in our day. It was actually the result of a whole lot of self coaching and me crossing something off of my bucket list. This was a goal that I had and something I really wanted to do. Now, growing up, I lived in an area of the country where there just aren't freeways. It's kind of northern Idaho, right? And there was a two lane highway and that was it. And there were certain sections of the highways that my parents were not too keen on us driving due to previous accidents that they had heard about or maybe different experience they had on that part of the road. And so I just never really experienced driving on freeways because they weren't around. And then parts of the highway, it was just kind of off limits. And I started driving more on the freeways when I went to college. And I do have to say that kind of a funny side note. There's a certain area of highway around where we lived. And at one point in between college semesters, I came home to work on a fun little farm. And the guy I worked for wanted me to take this big truck, big farm truck from one farm to another farm to deliver it. I did some practice drives around the farm where it was and I couldn't get I can drive a stick shift, right? But I couldn't get this particular old farm truck. I think it was from second gear to third gear. Looking back, I can see the error of my ways. I can see how it wasn't moving it all the way over. But I was like, oh, I was so frustrated with the stick shift and trying to get it into the right gear. But I did my couple of laps around the farm and my boss and myself are like, okay, forget it. Just go. Just go to the next farm. You'll figure it out, right? And so I hop in this truck and number one, I'm on a section of the road that I haven't really driven before. It's kind of been, I guess you could say, off limits, but I'm old enough to do this. And my boss had said, take the truck and go. Well, this is a massive truck. So I'm driving along and I cannot get it into third gear. So I'm on the highway. And if you can picture or if you know anything about driving a stick, I drove this stinking farm truck in second gear down this highway. And I was so, so frustrated, telling myself, this is ridiculous. People around me think this is ridiculous. I'm backing up traffic like, this is so stupid. You can just hear all the stories. So I was kind of fuming by the time that I got out of the truck to the next stop and kicked the tire of the stupid truck and said, I'm never driving that thing again, right? I had worked myself into a tizzy over this truck. And like I said before, if I had just stepped back, I could see the error of my ways. I could have just shifted real easily. If I'd gone over a little bit further on the stick shift to third gear and could have gone down fourth gear, been on my merry little way with this ginormous truck. Well, there's some of my experience driving. So I'm at college at this point, and when I went to college in Utah, freeways everywhere, right? They're open, they're straight, they're big. There's on and off exit ramps that are super easy to navigate. So I drove on the freeways when I was at college. Well, then husband and I got married. We ended up moving back to northern Idaho for several years. We'd occasionally go back to Seattle area where his family was. He usually drove, and I just kind of got out of the habit of driving on freeways. And then when we would go visit Seattle, my husband being very comfortable with the area because he grew up here. He likes to drive fast. He likes to kind of zip around. And this is something he's grown up with, so he's very familiar with the roads. He drives differently than I would drive. And as a result, I stuck myself in that passenger seat and I just would not drive on the freeways. Here. I had started creating a lot of stories about how it was just so much easier if I didn't drive. Well, as we've moved over here, not wanting to be stuck in certain areas and limit myself, I decided one night it was time to overcome this fear. And I decided great. I can drive 405. It's a Sunday night. It's in the evening. This will be great. There won't be any traffic. Let's do this. My husband was following in another car. There was a lot more traffic on the 405 than I was anticipating. My eyes tend to blur due to my stigmatism with the headlights coming at me. And then I started creating all these stories about how this is terrible, this is awful. Once again, you can see a pattern forming here when I get in uncomfortable situations on the roads. It's terrible. This is uncomfortable. This is awful. We're all going to die. Well, I pretty much worked myself into a panic attack, and I pulled over into a not so safe area and my husband's trying to find me because I had taken the wrong exit. The kids are worried about me. I'm not answering the phone at this point. They're trying to find me. Kids are thinking, mom's going to die, right? It was just this big, messy situation. So from that point on, totally kind of swore off driving on the freeways as one does after such a situation. Okay, so over the past several months, I've told myself it's time to grow up and that it's time to put my self coaching to the test. Because every Tuesday, I drive to an appointment. And as it happens, the freeway is the fastest route. So even with 2 million other people on the road, it's still the fastest way to get to my appointment. And I decided it's now or never. It's now or never to get over this fear. And I pushed myself to start driving on the freeway again. And this time, I didn't list all the ways that it was going to go wrong. And as a result, I didn't work my way into a panicked state. So to cap off this newfound freedom, I decided to drive rather than fly to a recent event, and I decided to have fun doing it with my three little kids in tow. And I conquered the freeway systems in several different states during several different rush hours and different sizes of the cities. And instead of, again, thinking of all the ways that I was going to die on this trip or get in an accident or have the car break down on the side of the road, I decided to really spin my thought process. And actually, it was really a test, right? I made the choice to do this, but it was really kind of a test to see what would happen if I spun my thoughts and use my brain energy to my benefit. So my go to thoughts became, well, who knows what this city will bring, but I'll figure it out. And another favorite was, this is going to work out. I have managed to make a lot of things in my life work out, and this will just be another thing that I can make work. So spoiler alert. It worked out, and it was a lot of fun. Now, I know not everyone will share these same fears. And some may think that they are completely irrational, while others are going to be right there in the passenger seat next to me. I've heard it all from the people around me. It really depends on where these people grew up. Did they grow up in a place where there weren't freeways? Did they grow up in a place where freeways is a natural way of life? And where do they currently live? Just really depends on what their experience with the freeway is and let's say, who raised them. Our parents can have a really big sway on us and our beliefs. Doesn't mean that our only beliefs are going to come from our parents, right? But they have some pull on us, just like we have pull on how our children believe. We've kind of packed each other's backpacks, if you remember from episode one. Some thinking that this is totally bonkers for me to feel like that it's fine, I get it. I totally understand it. And right now I have people cheering me on for doing this and I have other people who are cheering me on for taking the side streets. That's just how life is fun. And everyone has a different perspective based on their life experiences and the thoughts that they choose to believe. Some people have been handed those thoughts to believe and they're going to continue to hold tight to them until something comes along that really puts them to the test. And they may continue to hold tight to them or they may decide to work through the fearful thoughts. And this can easily translate to the work that we do as mothers. So our children are going to make choices. They have previous assumptions about life. We have previous assumptions about life and the choices our children make and the ones that they should be making. And this can really keep us stuck and prevent us from strengthening the relationships that we have with our children. Well, as we dig into this, I want to be clear that understanding how boundaries work and implementing them can really keep our children safe. And I'm not saying that we need to throw out any idea or form of boundaries that we've already previously created, but I want to make sure that we are creating boundaries for our children from a place of love and not fear. So your children are going to experience, if they haven't already, they're going to experience pornography, they're going to experience drugs and alcohol and vape and loss of friendships and good friendships and possible questions about their gender identity and same sex attraction. They're going to have to navigate sexual relationships and to what degree are they comfortable with that. And they're going to push back on the goals and expectations and structure that you have created for them. And when they do, I want you to question whether you are responding and leading from a place of fear as you navigate this unknown or if you're doing your best to guide from a place of love and sometimes even curiosity. Now, I know that many of us mean well as we try to parent our dear, sweet teenagers and that we're having to navigate situations that we never thought we would. I am right there in the same boat, so I know that it's super easy to make mistakes while parenting and things can feel really messy and gross and just awful along the way. But this is life. This is the 50 50 aspect that we all experience. 50% good, 50% messy and terrible and hard. So please give yourself some grace when things don't go as you thought they would. But as you take a deeper look at your parenting choices, try to pay attention to how you react when your child does something that you wish they wouldn't have done. Notice what you're making it mean. Is the story you created filled with fear for the future and who they may now become? And do you gather evidence for why your fears are valid? Is your fear driving a wedge between you and your child? Now, one of the best things you can do is ask yourself why. Why? Out of all of the stories available to you, why are you choosing to think this fearful thought or a fearful group of thoughts? Is it fueled by love for your child? Or is it fueled by an unrealistic grasp on reality? And sometimes you can figure this out all on your own. That it's self coaching at its core, and I highly recommend that. But sometimes it's going to be way more helpful to have someone else take a look at the situation who's outside of your perspective, who didn't grow up like you did, and then offer a new perspective to kind of tame some of those fears. So fear is going to keep you in the passenger seat. You and your children are meant for so much more than that. Please remember that you are strong enough to do this. You are strong enough to figure out how to parent your child through an issue with pornography. You can figure out how to help and get help and create boundaries. If your child has become addicted to something, whether that's pornography or drugs or vape or poor relationships or sexual relationships that you don't want them to have, you can figure this out. You can work through it. I would just strongly encourage you to identify the moments where you feel fearful. Really look to see what is driving that fear. What stories have you created about your child and your child's future? Are they true? Are they things that you want to hold on to? Or do you want to look at a different perspective? Do you want to get curious about why this is happening? Is this a normal phase of teenage life? Is your child acting like a normal teenager? Or is there something else that is going wrong and you actually really need to dive into and look deeper and use your set of skills to figure out? Remember, this is something that you can figure out. You will make this work. So I challenge you to approach it with love and curiosity instead of fear. Now, if you need help, please, please reach out. You can find different resources on my website@laceyjonescoaching.com. We have our online course that talks about the model kind of digs into those pieces deeper. Or you can do a mentor session where we dive into a situation over the course of four weeks and we really work it out. You can also ask me questions through the Ask Lacey page on the website and I'm happy to answer. I strongly believe in the value of coaching and really identifying our stories that are creating our feelings as we work with our children because we're growing through this process just as much as they are. Now. Last but not least, if you find value in any of this in this podcast, be sure that you follow along. I think it's in the upper right corner. You can click to follow the channel so that you're notified as the new podcast come out. The goal is for every Wednesday to have a new podcast and I'm going to start pulling in different people and doing some fun interviews. I've got some lined up that are just so exciting because they will offer a different perspective for us and a new voice on the different issues and concerns that our teenagers are facing. So thank you again for joining me and we will see you next weekend.