Ep. 2 Thought Power

Elevate the Individual - Episode 2 Transcript

Hi. This is Lacey Jones and this is episode two, thought Power. Welcome back to the podcast for episode two and wanted to take a quick minute to thank everyone for their feedback on that first episode. This is definitely a project of the heart. And I have been reminded of all of the wonderful people our family has been surrounded by, no matter where we've lived. And we've really been just immensely blessed to meet some wonderful people. And my husband and I, we have always chosen to believe that no matter where we live, we will be happy, we will make it our home. And we have. And so thoughts are powerful like that. Some people will call it manifesting. You think a thought, you choose to believe a thought, and then lo and behold, that thought happens. And while that is beautiful, there is power within that. But I actually think there is more to it. I actually believe that by choosing certain thoughts, we enact the creative power that lies deep within each of us to then go out and create the solution to make that thought come to life. So in this last episode, I mentioned agency. And agency is a gift we've all been given and it allows each of us to make choices. And if you remember, in the model that I outlined, we started with circumstances, then we had thoughts, then feelings, then actions, and then our results. And as I explained that between the circumstance line and the feeling line, we have that thought line that sometimes goes unnoticed. But it is the most powerful line of the model. And the thought line is where our agency lies. Circumstances will happen to us and around us, and we cannot control the actions and words of others. So as a mother, let me tell you, I have tried, right? I have tried to control the actions and the words of my children, but I think we all know that that just never goes very well. So as we develop our emotional maturity, we come to realize that when circumstances happen, we get to choose a thought about them. We don't just automatically skip to the line where feelings are generated. And why is that and why do I know that that is true? So let me give you one of the most basic examples that we all experience on a daily basis. Let's talk about the weather. The weather is always a reliable topic. It's always there. It's something we all experience. And if you're just meeting someone for the first time, it's a pretty safe topic of conversation because we all have an opinion on it and how it affects our lives. Now, two people can be standing in this exact same climate, experiencing the same weather pattern and have two very different opinions about it based upon their own personal likes and dislikes and their life perspective. So last summer, the Pacific Northwest experienced some of the hottest temperatures on record. So we live in the Seattle area and the temperature typically stays around the high seventy s and eighty s. Every now and then we'll dip into the 90s. But we're also near the coast, so our climate is considered more humid than other areas who other areas that are further away from the water. Well, last summer, someone decided to hold a magnifying glass over the Pacific Northwest between the land and the sun, right. And the temperature soared to above 100 degrees into the think we hit like so close to the 120 degrees. But at that point, without proper air conditioning, my brain was fried and not functioning. And who knows how hot it was? Just hot. And it was quite honestly, miserable. So as a result of this intense heat wave, my husband and I decided to install air conditioning. That was a no brainer. So now we get to control the exact temperature of our home. And after a year of adjusting the thermostat up and down a few degrees, depending on who is home, we have yet to settle on the same perfect temperature. The perfect temp for my husband is probably 68 degrees. He can move around freely in his t shirt and shorts, his bare feet, and more importantly, he's not going to break a sweat in his house. So 68 degrees for me means it's time to pull out the sweats. I've got to get a hoodie, a blanket, and some socks, and I am cold. So when the thermostat says 68, we each have different thoughts about that which, that's going to lead us to different actions and we're going to make different comments because of what we each think is an acceptable way to live within our house. So that thermostat tells us the facts about the temperature of our home. We can all read the thermostat. We can agree that it says 68 degrees in the house. But my husband and I are both going to feel very differently about the temperature inside of our home because we have that story about it. He does not want to sweat in the comfort of his own home, and I don't want to be huddled in blankets when I'm trying to get work done. So when the temp says 68, he feels relaxed and comfortable. And then when it says 68, for me, I'm going to feel a little more hostile, right? And yes, you better believe when he's not here that thermostat goes right back up to 71, 72, and lately 73. So I want to point out that the thermostat may control the temperature in our home, but it does not control the temperature of our emotions. So our thoughts and the stories we create about our circumstances and the facts in our lives, that does so because no one else can control our thoughts. For us, it means that our emotional health is now in our control. As we exercise our agency in choosing thoughts that create specific emotions. And when we understand that our thoughts create our feelings, we take control of our emotional health. It doesn't mean that it's always going to be sunshine and rainbows. There may be times in our lives where we want to feel sad. We want to feel hurt and even disappointed. But it just means that our emotional health and our reactions don't have to be at the mercy of others. And again, when we gain control of that emotional health, we become empowered to create the life we want. So let me walk you through another example. Let's say that you have come to me because you are really struggling with a relationship you have with one of your family members. And when you come to me as a client, I'm going to start by asking you what's going on? And encourage you to just dump your thoughts out. We call this a thought download. Just spill your brain. There's no judgment. Just tell me all the things so that we can start sorting them out. You've come to me. You are hurt because your child is making choices you really wish they wouldn't make. They're hanging out with friends you don't like. They're mean to their siblings. They've started experimenting with different substances and drugs they're filling out of school. And most recently, they miss curfew yet again. And when they did get home, you tried to ask him why they were late and where they were. And in response they said, why should it matter? You aren't the boss of me. Now this really boils your blood, and you can't believe they are so disrespectful. And you say some things to them and you put them in their place, and now your child won't talk to you, and you can't believe how frustrating the child is and how they make you so mad. Okay, so that's kind of the scenario. And after you finish telling me all your thoughts, we're going to work to identify the facts of the situation. So kind of think on that scenario and what you would think is a fact for me. I found two. Number one, you have a child. And number two, your child said, quote, why should it matter? You aren't the boss of me. Unquote. That's it. These are the things within your thought download that any two people could agree on. The rest of the story you have created about your child. Now you might say, But, Lacey, they're failing out of school. We can all agree on that. But how can I agree on it if I don't know the exact grades your child has? Failing to you might be a C minus or lower, whereas failing to me might actually mean an actual F. We will each have a different thought about their grades based off our life perspective. So once we identify the facts, we'll start building a model. And this is a good place for you to pull out your pen and paper so that you can kind of diagram and follow along with what I'm saying for each of the different lines. And you want to write out the five from top to bottom. It goes circumstance, thought, feeling, action and result. And we've identified the facts, so those go in the circumstance line. For this model, your circumstance line is your child's exact words. So no paraphrasing. Because when we paraphrase what someone says, we add a little spice to it, we add a little emotion and well, they said this, but it meant this. So we're not doing that. We're not paraphrasing. It is the exact words your child said. Why should it matter? You aren't the boss of me. So you write that right there in the circumstance line. And it's important to look at what you made that mean when your child said those words. And if we go back to the thought download, we can see that you chose to think that this child was being so disrespectful. So that goes in the thought line. And when you thought that your child was being so disrespectful, this generated a feeling for you. And you mentioned that you felt so frustrated. So next to the feeling, you can write frustrated. When you were feeling frustrated, the actions that you took were to say some things to your child, to put them in their place. And as a result, you are the one who's being disrespectful. Now, when we build our first model, we call this the unintentional model. And it's important to look at this model without judgment. We just want to see what naturally comes up and what thought process you naturally default to. Because our natural defaults have been cemented in our minds over years and years of experiences, and our perspectives on the world are going to really shape those. If we think back to our emotional backpack from that last episode, we'll notice that our unintentional models are usually built from the items we carry around in those backpacks. And by identifying the current thought patterns, we can decide if we want to continue packing them around or if we want to pack differently for the next trip. So when we look at this model, it's important to notice where the frustration comes from. Very easy and natural for us to want to blame the child for making us feel frustrated. But remember, there's a line in between what the child says and how you feel. This is your line, the thought line. And in this specific example, the client, knowingly or not, chose to think that the child was being disrespectful. But my question to you all is that the only thought that can go with the words the child said, would someone else choose a different thought? Can you think of a different thought? As the coach, I might offer a new thought from a client and we'd plug them into the model to see what happens. And if we can generate different feelings with those different thoughts. Those different feelings are then going to create different actions and different results. So a couple of thoughts that ran through my head were, this child does not understand the parent child relationship. This child is not thinking clearly, this child just needs to go to bed, and this child is acting like a normal teenager. And this is a developmentally appropriate question from this child. Do these thoughts still generate a sense of frustration? So for me, some of these thoughts generate a greater sense of patience from me. And some of them move towards a greater sense of love and respect. They don't necessarily move me all the way to sunshine and rainbows. And that thinking, this child is the greatest person to walk the Earth. That's okay, we don't need to swing all the way to the complete opposite feel good, beautiful emotion. It's a process and it's a journey. And it starts with just first understanding how our thoughts generate different feelings within us. So it's vital that we become familiar with the thoughts that we are thinking. A lot of time we just haven't paid attention to them. We may even consider them as facts about our lives, when in reality, they are just thoughts and they are optional. Facts don't hurt, but sometimes our stories do. Thoughts and stories also bring us joy and happiness, peace and contentment. But they can also bring us anger, frustration, jealousy, pain, humiliation, and shame. And as we adjust the thermostat on our thoughts, we can change the temperature and climate within our homes and our relationships. The circumstances will stay the same and people will say and do things that may seem disrespectful, but as we deliberately choose to think about those words and situations in less judgment and less harsh ways, we can move towards greater understanding. And if you want to dig a little deeper into this model, I would highly recommend the foundations course on my website. It's this four week course. You do it at your own pace. There's worksheets and videos and we really dive into that model and dissect it and clean up the different lines and different tools to use on different lines. Right, so all this info is on the website. It's Laceyjonescoaching.com. I think it's under, well, Courses. You click on courses and there you go. Right. You can get it there as a standalone course or if you do the mentor program, it's also part of that. You receive access to the foundations course through that. So take a peek. And as always, if you have any questions, feel free to submit those through the website. There's a little spot that says Ask Lacey and you can enter any questions that you have. I am happy to help in any way, or you can schedule your free consultation call. So thank you for joining me and I will see you next week.