Ep. 1 Packing Your Emotional Backpack

Elevate the Individual - Episode 1 Transcript

Hi. This is Lacey Jones, and this is episode one, our emotional backpack. You guys, I am so excited to kick off this podcast. This is something that I have wanted to do for so long. I have been terrified. I have put it off. I've made all kinds of excuses. But it's time to dive in to get the party started. So here we go. I want you to know that you're going to hear mistakes. You're going to hear, oh, she should have edited that out. She's going to say a million times, you might hear me breathe on the microphone, whatever, right? This is what episode one is all about. We dive in. We make it happen. We make mistakes. We learn, we grow. And so that when we get to episode 100, we can look back on this one and just see how much I've grown, how much the podcast has grown, and the content that I'm able to bring. So this is history in the making as we talk about our emotional backpack today. So if you have children, I want you to think of the last time you all went on an extended trip and what it was like to pack your bags for that trip. And when our kids are young, we do a lot of the packing for them. We ensure that they have enough socks and underwear, and we give them extras just in case there's accidents. And we bring enough shorts and pants and shirts so if they get ketchup on one of the shirts, they have backups to rely on. And we know enough that the weather is supposed to be warm. But more than likely, the kid's going to need a sweatshirt in the evenings. And they'll probably need a quick pair of slide on shoes and then also a pair of tennis shoes. And if you plan on going to church or a fancy event somewhere, you know they're going to need probably a different set of clothes other than their swimsuit. So when our children are young, we do the packing of that backpack for them. We want to take that on, right? We want to make sure they have just exactly what we need and what they need. So we're prepared on that trip, there's no hiccups because there's going to be a lot more hiccups other than their clothing. We want it to go smooth. It's a way to preserve our own sanity as well as our children's sanity. And we're really modeling for them how to pack for a trip. Well, as our children grow older and they take on more of the responsibility of packing for a trip, sometimes we decide, okay, here, I'll give them a list of the necessary items and then have them pack their bags and then bring it to me. I'll check it off. We'll make sure they have everything they need, do the quick double check. Everyone's good to go. That's an option. And then as they continue to grow. There comes a time where eventually those bags are packed entirely by the child, for better or worse, and they take what they take and then they have to live with those natural consequences of what they decided to bring with them. Some are going to overpack, some are going to under pack, and some are going to get it just right. The goldilocks of backpacking. Well, we may decide to pack a few extra backup items as we go along for our kids, just in case they forget or we might not. It's really everyone's a little bit different in that area. So recently our family went on this four day camping trip and we are now at the point where all five of the kids, they pack their bags for themselves. In the past, I like to check those bags. I like to make sure that they have what they need. And sometimes my youngest, he'll still ask me what he should bring and how many of an item and go from there. Well, this time we went on the trip. I would like to say that I chose not to double check their bags as a sign of the learning process and giving them that responsibility and letting them own up to it. But let's be real, I was packing all the food. I was packing my own items. It was the morning of instead of the night or day before and I just completely forgot. And we went on our merry little way to the campground. And this is a camping trip that we do every year with my husband's, extended family and some friends. And we love it. And the campground is beautiful. It's on Whidbee Island in the Puget Sound. And we love know, the kids run free, we eat lots of food, we play on the beaches, we swim, we kayak, and we just totally enjoy being out in nature while still having access to clean, flushable bathrooms and showers. Those camp showers are the best. Okay, well, this year when we got to the campground, the temperature was actually quite a bit cooler than back at our house. And I quickly realized that I had never double checked my youngest child's bags for what he packed. I saw him running around in a t shirt. I myself put on a sweatshirt when we got there because we were in the trees and well, he had a t shirt and because he's seven and it was warm at home, he didn't pack a sweatshirt or jacket because he really didn't know. He doesn't have a cell phone. He doesn't have an app to see what's going to happen, what the weather is going to be like, where we're going. And so I should mention that before we left for the trip, I had told the kids that we have hoodies, right? We actually have a plethora of hoodies in our family and so we have them from this particular campground. And so we're not going to be buying new sweatshirts this year. We're just going to use what we have. So we're at the camp, and my youngest child does not have a sweatshirt, and thankfully, he also runs really hot. So this kid, it worked for him. I offered him one of my sweatshirts because I had an extra that first night. He decided he was fine and he kind of froze. He ended up sleeping in his T shirt and his jeans because he had also decided just to pack one pair of pants, his little jeans. He did pack some shorts. Some of them were too small from a couple of years ago. Some of them were oh, they were on the verge of going to the donation bag because they were almost too small. And I think he had a pair of swim trunks and one other pair of shorts that they're actually hybrid shorts, right, from Costco. So he could wear them to swim or he could play and run around in them. So we're good there, right? On the short department. We made it work for a couple of days, but in the evenings, he was a little bit chilly when he was sitting with us or in the tent. And so he eventually decided that he wanted to wear my sweatshirt. The extra one that I offered him, I did offer because I had a stack of black leggings with me. I offered to let him wear a pair of those and make it work. He wasn't having that, though. He decided to sleep in his jeans and whatever. He made it work. So here's the deal. He took the initiative for this trip to pack his own bags. He was given some recommendations of what to bring. And yeah, at his age, I probably should have double checked what he brought, but I didn't. And as a result, he had to adjust while at the campground. And quite honestly, now he's better prepared for the next time we go camping. And hopefully he is going to remember the next time he needs to bring a sweatshirt, he needs to bring more than one pair of pants, and he needs to bring shorts that are his current size. And we lived, we learned, we had a lot of fun, and now he's better prepared for the future trips. So what does all of this have to do with our emotional backpack? Well, imagine with me that we each have an emotional backpack that we carry along with us throughout our life. And when we're young, our emotional backpacks, they were packed for us by our parents and other caregivers, right? And based on their life experiences, they kind of packed those bags for us and modeled for us what they thought we would need again, for better or worse, knowingly and unknowingly. Sometimes they're just doing what they've been taught, right, and aren't realizing some of this information they're passing on. So again, better or for worse, we do the same for our own children. And this emotional kind of childhood backpack may include a couple of things emotionally, like reacting to certain emotions or acting out or avoiding certain emotions and not taking responsibility for how we're feeling or how we react in a situation and maybe refusing to feel those certain emotions. And it causes us to do something over here other than what we intended or wanted to do. So a couple of examples of how maybe our parents and how packed our backpacks for us and how maybe we may be packing the backpack for our children right now is something like this. Susie, I am so sorry he made you feel sad. Here, let me make you feel better. And the thing is, our children are not the only ones packing around an emotional childhood backpack. Have we ever been taught how to pack an emotional backpack and one that allows us to take responsibility for our own emotions? I want you to think about these statements that we say to our children, depending on their actions and their age, right? It made me sad when you treated your brother that way. Or we may say, I was yelling at you because you didn't unload the dishwasher. Or I'm frustrated because you aren't doing your homework, or you embarrassed me in front of those people. And if we have some older kids or at this point in the world, maybe middle school kids, I'm disappointed in you because you chose to vape. And when we use statements like these, we're teaching our children that they are in charge of our emotions and our actions. Right? Like, I'm frustrated because you aren't doing your homework. So, dear, sweet child, you did something, and it generated a feeling within me. We're also saying, dear child, you're in charge of my emotions. Your actions create my emotions. I don't have any control over that. Is that correct? I'd venture to say no in my coaching. I want to put kind of a stop to that, to take it from this emotional childhood to more of emotional maturity, where we, as the adult, take responsibility for our own emotions. We transition from having someone else pack that backpack for us, and we get to pack it so that as we move forward in life, we have the tools that we need, really, so that we aren't weighed down by all that emotional baggage. And then we generate these emotions which create actions within us. And the actions we take or don't take are going to create these beautiful or not so beautiful results in our lives. But we become accountable for that. So it's time for us to pack our own emotional backpacks. It's time to lighten the load. Sometimes we'll be going through an experience, let's say as a mother, you'll be going through an experience with your child. Your child may or may not be making a choice that you want them to make. Let's take an example. Your child is having a really hard time at school. Well, that hard time at school is really because of them not turning in assignments, right? All of a sudden, their grades are plummeting, and sometimes it's because they haven't turned in assignments. Maybe they've done that assignment, but they've left it in their backpack, and they just haven't turned it in. All right, we got to continue to guide this child. We got to teach them. Okay, next step, you do the work, you turn it in, right? You get the grades. You don't fail the class. This is all part of raising children, is teaching them the way of the world and especially how school works, right? You do the work, you turn it in, you get a grade. Well, these things can all happen. And if we decide to pack in these negative emotions, on top of it, the frustration, the yelling, the anger, we're weighing ourselves down. The situations our kids will face at school and in life are already heavy enough. In today's day and age, they are experiencing some very heavy circumstances. There's already enough weight out there. I don't want us to put more weight in our emotional backpack. I want us to be equipped with, let's say, helium or something to lighten that load, right? So as we work together, you and me, on this podcast in the coaching calls, we are going to learn how to pack our own emotional backpacks so that we no longer blame others for how we feel and how we act and for the results we get in life. So as you pack your own emotional backpack, you are going to be better prepared to take responsibility for the pain, but also the joy in your life, the good, the bad. This whole platter of emotions you get to take responsibility for, and you'll no longer expect other people or things to make you happy or to help you feel secure. You will create the ability to turn away from things that may be harming you and preventing you from growth or preventing you from developing a relationship with someone close to you that you want to be closer with. Maybe you need to improve or you want to improve the relationship with your child or with your spouse. Well, when you take responsibility for your emotional backpack, it puts you in the driver's seat. You are no longer a victim to your circumstances and to others. And thinking that, oh, they create my emotions for me, they're making me mad, they're frustrating, they're driving me crazy. No, we put a stop to that. Okay? It's this beautiful journey, and I am here to coach you through it. That is my job. And as we work together, there are five kind of components of any problem that I need you to understand as we work together. So as we face these problems, we all know that there are feelings involved. There are emotions. I said before, there's this whole platter of feelings and emotions. It's beautiful. They're all for the taking. Okay, well, there are also circumstances and sometimes we get to choose those and sometimes we don't. These circumstances are things that happen or things that people say or do right. Things that we can prove in a court of law that are factual right. And then there are actions that we take and there's things that we do, things that we don't do and that will create a result for us. But the most important component of all of this is we'll discuss is our thoughts, right? Life has taught many of us that our feelings, our actions and our results are all dependent on the circumstances of our lives. But that way of thinking is giving away our power and it also gives away our agency and our ability to make choices based on what we believe. Okay? So if you're listening and you have a piece of paper or a pen handy, pull it out because I want you to write down we're going to kind of rearrange these components into this beautiful arrangement. It's called the model. And this is what I use when I work with my clients. It's really good for you to know this from the beginning, this model. And I want you to at the top, I want you to write Circumstance. And then I want you to skip a line or leave a space. And then I want you to write feeling. And while life has taught us that our feelings are dependent on our circumstances, my job as your coach is to show you that there's actually something in between feelings and circumstances. It's actually our thoughts. So go ahead and write that in. Your list should now say Circumstance, thoughts and Feelings. When we are faced with the circumstance, we have a thought about it. And that thought is going to generate a feeling or an emotion within us. Now, when we are feeling a certain way, we are going to take actions. So that's your next word on your list. You should now have circumstance, thought, feeling, and actions. And then as we do certain things or don't take certain actions, we then create a result. So you can go ahead and write the word result below. Actions. Those are the five pieces to the model that I use when I'm coaching a client. As we work through any problem and as we do that and as they bring their problems to me, we kind of sort it all out. What's a circumstance. What's a thought. What's a feeling. What actions are you taking? What are you not taking? And then we can see how this is creating a result in their lives. And I'll tell you right up front that the power is always in the thought. But that doesn't always mean that it's easy to recognize and it doesn't mean that it's easy to change because you know the information, and sometimes you just have to sit with it. You have to sit there. Once we kind of diagram it all out and just know and see how the pieces work together, how your thoughts are really creating the results in your life before we can move forward. Because coaching is all about recognizing where you are today and then moving forward, no matter what was packed in your backpack before, all right? So you could have this very childhoodish backpack, emotional backpack, being carried around with you. And you're going to come to a point where you're now going to evaluate whether or not it's serving you. Is it packed with the right information that you need? And are your current thought processes two sizes too small? Do they match the temperature of the storms you are weathering in your life? And as you repack your emotional backpack, you're going to start to develop greater confidence in yourself and your abilities, all right? You're going to start driving the feelings that you create and the actions you take and the results that you get in your life. And it's beautiful. And I'm here to help because we all know that the world is hurting. There is turmoil, there is frustration, there is anger. Go on social media, you'll see it, you'll hear it. Any little thing drives people crazy these days, right in the news. Big, small, it's all there. There is pain, and that is what's driving many people to take actions. But those actions don't really honor who they truly are. There are so many beautiful people out there that are hurting in one way or another. And it's really my mission to help you, to help you as the individual pack your emotional backpack in a way that carries you forward with the tools that you need so that you can have peace, you can have clarity to handle any situation life throws at you, right? And as you create that clarity within your own life, you have the emotional maturity to help the children and people that you care for. They can be your own children. They can be children that maybe you're a teacher, right? And you have these beautiful children that you get to influence and teach. Or maybe you work with a youth group through your church or a different organization. Most likely you are an example somehow with a group of youth. And as you create peace and clarity within yourself, and then you emulate that and teach that to the youth around you. This is how we bring peace and clarity to our world because our kids need it. The problems they face are bigger than we've faced before because of all the different resources that are out there for them. They need it, and we need to bring it to them. Like I said, I am here to help. And if you've been kind of wondering about coaching and what it is or you have a problem that you think, oh man, I actually think she can help me with that. Go to my website, it's Laceyjonescoaching.com, and you can schedule a free, just quick consultation call. It's a 45 minutes call. It's super free. Your first one, I just was updating the website. So you should see one of the many buttons that say schedule free consultation call. If you go to the first page right there in the upper right, you'll see it or you'll see some of the other services that we offer at this time. We have a mentor program we just finished doing a couple of weeks ago, craft a Better Life. It was a fun craft and coaching event. Because I'm very artsy fartsy, I love to create and coach at the same time. So lots of fun things headed our way. But as you stay connected through the website and through Instagram, that's where I do a lot of updates there, kind of see what's going on. But I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for joining me today on this journey. It's going to be a fun ride. There's going to be ups and downs and mistakes and beautiful happenings, and you're going to be here for it. So thank you and I will talk to you guys next weekend.