Ep. 32 RAISING TEENAGE BOYS When You Don’t Know What to Do
I'm Lacey Jones, and this is Elevate the Individual Episode 32 When You Don't Know What to Do. This past Sunday, we discussed the Sermon on the Mount in our Sunday school class. The instructor started his lesson by having us read the very last verse in chapter five of the Gospel According to Matthew. His point in having us do so was so that we could see the end before the beginning, the reason and the motivation as to why we follow the instructions given during the Sermon on the Mount. He gave us perspective in that very last verse. We are instructed to be perfect, even as our Father, which is in heaven, is perfect. Now, telling someone to be perfect without giving them guides and instructions can set someone up to fail. However, through our studies, it was pointed out that perfect does not mean without flaws, but rather it means to be complete or enough.
Our ability to endure and persevere through such a task as becoming complete can be made easier when we understand where we are heading and what our end goal is. So how does this relate to raising teenage boys? Well, before I answer that, I want to share a story about Florence Chadwick. Our instructor shared a very brief story about her on Sunday, and I loved it, and I had to Google her to learn more.
I thought it would also tie in nicely with our discussion this month of raising teenage boys. Florence Chadwick was an American swimmer known for long distance open water swimming. She was the first woman to swim the English Channel in both directions, setting a time record each time. She was also the first woman to swim the Catalina channel. The Straits of Gibraltar, the boss Porous one way and the Dardanelles round trip. On August 8, 1950, at the age of 32, florence Chadwick crossed the English Channel from France to England in 13 hours and 23 minutes, breaking the then current women's record held by American swimmer Gertrude Etterley.
One year later, Chadwick crossed the English Channel again from England to France, this time in 16 hours and 22 minutes, thus making her the first woman to swim the English Channel in both directions and setting a record for the England to France journey. She ultimately swam the Channel four times. Well, in 1952, Florence attempted to swim the 26 miles between Catalina Island and the California coastline, and as she began, she was flanked by small boats that watched for sharks and were prepared to help her if she got hurt or grew tired.
And after about 15 hours, a thick fog set in. Florence began to doubt her ability, and she told her mother, who was in one of the boats, that she did not think she could make it. She swam for another hour before asking to be pulled out, unable to see the coastline due to the fog. As she sat in the boat, she found out she had stopped swimming just 1 mile away from her destination. Two months later, she tried again. The same thick fog set in, but she succeeded in reaching Catalina. She said that she kept a mental image of the shoreline in her mind while she swam. She later swam the Catalina channel on two additional occasions.
So again, what does all of this have to do with raising teenage boys? Well, if you have ever attempted to raise teenage boys, at times you may have felt a deep fog settling in as you watch your once happy, joyful, preteen son morph into this secluded, depressed version of himself as he navigates the new and troublesome waters of the teenage years. You yourself may have felt like you were navigating through the thick fog, unsure how to move forward and which direction to go.
Raising teenagers is much like experiencing a deep fog on the troubled and open waters of life. As mothers, we know the very real dangers facing our children. And much like Florence's mother, we may be in the proverbial boat, calling out warnings and offering encouragement. As our children continue to swim, we know our children will face very real dangers. We have conversations to prep and drill them in an effort to prepare them for the tough times when they will need to make snap decisions and prevent themselves from getting caught in tricky or dangerous situations. And we hope and we pray they will be protected from danger and harm. But even with all the prep, our children will make choices with very real consequences. Sometimes our teenagers will fill us in before the consequences hit. But not all teenagers will. And sometimes issues will build and compound until they reach their boiling point, catching us so off guard, leaving us wondering how in the world we will handle the situation. Time and time again, mothers are left reeling from the aftershock of information their teenager has shared with them about a choice they made or something someone did to them.
Oftentimes, those who are blindsided by the news and feel as though they need to direct the next steps have one thing in common they believe. They don't know what to do next. They don't know how to proceed, and they don't know what decisions to make. They don't know what consequences to hand out, and they don't know what damage control to implement. They continue to spin in uncertainty. They have lost sight of the horizon, and they have become lost in the fog.
Not knowing what to do can lead to a state of panic, causing them to react out of fear rather than act in confidence. At some point in time, your teenage son may become involved in one or more of the following circumstances they might get caught smoking weed at school, or you might find it in their backpack. They might get into a fight with a classmate. They might skip class or sneak out to be with their girlfriend.
They could refuse to go to school altogether or get caught cheating on a test, earn detention or a suspension. Chances are they will say something inappropriate to another friend, who will then share it with their parents. And then the parents are going to come to you looking for answers. And in today's techie world, your teenage son will most likely search up things online that you don't want them to be searching. And they might text inappropriate pictures to someone or bully someone online, or be the target of an online bully.
They could innocently make connection with strangers online that then turn dangerous. Or they might turn to drinking, smoking, doing drugs, or taking pills, or posting inappropriate pictures on social media. In the heat of the moment, they could threaten a classmate or teacher. And while we hope they never do any of these things, we know that the list of possibilities and ways in which teenagers can get themselves into trouble is endless as they navigate the thick fog and troubled waters of today's world while developing their moral compasses.
So, as I stated previously, at times you may be perched in your proverbial boat, similar to Florence's mother, calling out warnings or offering encouragement and helping them to find the horizon. But sometimes you're the one in the water and you're the one who has lost the horizon, not knowing which direction to go or what to do, your thoughts might spin as you seek to regain your sense of direction as you search for that once wellknown finish line.
This is where I jump in as your coach, rowing alongside of you in the support boat, and we work together to keep you moving forward. We dig in and we take a look at your thoughts about your child and their choices. We look at all of the thoughts the good, the bad, the ugly, the scary all of it.
Once we acknowledge your thoughts, we'll sort out the facts from the fiction as we identify what is actually true and what is your personal story based on your perspective, your life experiences, and your beliefs. As your coach, I'll sift through the layers of thoughts to identify one troublesome thought that seems to be preventing you from moving forward. We'll work together to discover how that thought is affecting and creating your emotional state and the type of actions you're taking while in that emotional state. Many ask how I know which thought is the best thought to isolate and model out. But I believe there's not one perfect thought to work through.
The beauty of the model that I use in coaching is that we can take one of the more prominent thoughts, model it out, see how it is limiting you, and then you can apply the work to many other thoughts and areas of your life. So by doing this work, you create a ripple effect of change for you, your child, your family, and, I believe, society. It is powerful and it will recenter you as you navigate back to your horizon. When you operate from a state of not knowing what to do, you will most likely keep yourself in a place where you have absolutely no idea what to do.
Your result mirrors your thought, and as we model this out, your model may look kind of like this. So your circumstance might be that you discover your child has texted an inappropriate picture to a friend. After a quick dive into your thoughts, the dominant thought is, holy crap, I have no idea how to handle this. Which creates a feeling of self doubt and complete uncertainty. This emotional state prevents you from taking actions that might actually help you move forward. And you most likely won't research ways to handle the situation. You won't make decisions, and you'll probably avoid talking calmly to your child. You might not seek out other parents who have experienced the same thing or reach out to trusted advisors and mentors. Ultimately, you don't seek help. And as a result, you continue to tread in the fog and you have no idea how to handle the situation.
Does that sound familiar? Because I think it's familiar to about 99% of mothers. Right? But what is creating this uncertainty that's preventing you from taking action? Is it your son's choices? No, it's actually not. You may feel very certain that it is his choices that are keeping you stuck or creating that strong emotion within you. However, as we work together to do the model work, keep in mind that in the space between circumstance and feeling, there's one most crucial piece the thought line.
This is what is creating your emotional state and determining how you show up for your child and parenting them during their time of need. So if we know this, we have to take responsibility and more proactively create the thoughts that will serve us when we get lost in that fog of raising teenage boys. There are some new thoughts that you can try on while parenting your teenager. Here's just a couple of them. Number one, I am determined to figure this out. I can figure this out or I have a wonderful network of mentors that I can bounce ideas off of.
I am surrounded by resources to help me navigate this difficult situation. As we parent, it's important to notice when we are acting out of fear versus confidence. During times of fear, we need to push the pause button to think through our own beliefs and biases before making any snap decisions. You know more than anyone else what is best for your child. You are the perfect. And by perfect, remember I do not mean someone who is without flaws, but rather someone who is completely enough for the job.
You are exactly who your child needs to guide them through the frog and to their horizon. So I ask you, what if you knew the end from the beginning? What if you could see the shore through the fog, even when your child can't? What keeps you moving forward? And what are you moving towards? Do you know your horizon? At times, you might need to. Recenter as you navigate the direction in which you want to move forward. Your pace might change. You might need to stop completely and regroup. But I promise you that you do know how to move forward. That deep down in your soul, you will know at least one way to move forward. Will you listen to your gut? Will you trust yourself enough to keep rowing as you direct your child to their horizon? As always, my friends, please reach out. If you are lost in the fog of raising your beautiful teenager, I'd love to help. I'll see you next weekend.
