Ep. 31 RAISING TEENAGE BOYS Allowing Fathers to Parent

I'm Lacey Jones, and this is Elevate the Individual. Episode 31 Allowing Fathers to Parent. I am going to be walking the line a bit with this episode and I think that's what the best coaches do. Some of what to say you're going to agree with and some you're going to 100% not agree with. And I know that and I expect that. And the purpose of my work is to kind of stir up your thoughts a bit. Maybe you decide you agree with me and maybe some of you decide you strongly disagree with me. Either way, if my work has caused you to think deeper about what you think and believe and know and want out of life, then my work here is complete. So as your coach, I will never pretend that I know what is best for you. Only you can decide the actions you should or should not take. And I can help you identify key thoughts and beliefs that are either hindering you or helping you move forward. But you get to decide what to do from there. So as we dig into today's episode again, my purpose is to stir up your thoughts, the big wooden spoon, right, so that you can decide how you want to move forward.

Do you want to keep moving and grooving with your life as it is, with no changes? Great. Proceed with my blessing. Do you want to shake things up a bit and work towards something else? Great. Proceed with my blessing. My only goal is to empower you, to make the decisions you feel are best for you and your family. I believe you are the best mother for your children and they need you to know that and own it.

So I recently had a conversation with a friend about some of the crazy things that happen within the classroom setting. Oftentimes it's boys who are acting out in these kind of unbelievable ways and yes, girls do as well.

But for the sake of this conversation, the focus was on a boy. And my friend stated that she just couldn't believe what kids these days are doing and getting away with and that we would never have gotten away with half of it in our day. Not only would the school have punished us, but our parents would have been right there with the school doling out heavier consequences for the disrespect and poor judgment. And as we discussed the issues and our concerns, I had to point out one glaring disparity between our families and some of the families of the most troubled students. Our families and many of our friends families consist of two parents within the home. As moms, we're heavily involved in our children's lives, oftentimes deliberately choosing career and volunteer opportunities that center around our children. And the fathers within our families are also heavily involved, working in ways to connect and be present with their children. Many of them are also engaged in volunteer opportunities outside of their jobs and careers. They mentor.

They serve in church assignments, they coach in parks and rec leagues. They shuttle kids to and from practices, and they know how to load the dishes, and they know how to start a load of laundry. And maybe one reason I so easily saw this disparity is due to a book that I'm currently making my way through. If you follow me on social media at all, you know that I've been reading the book The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell and John Gray.

John Gray is actually the author of Men Are From Mars, women Are From Venus. I just barely learned that the other day when I watched their Ted Talk. So the word crisis is a word I tend to coach my clients away from as it's big and heavy and dramatic. However, this book talks about boys in general, in our nation and in our countries, so I believe it's fitting for the research and data we are seeing when it comes to our boys.

Boys need our help right now, and who better to help them than their fathers? In this book, they describe boys in two ways. First way, being dad enriched boys, and the second way being dad deprived boys. They state that dad enriched boys do better in school, have less ADHD, and are more empathetic. There's one statistic that's still just ringing in my ears, and I really would love to dig into it more and hear more about the research on it.

The authors state that 26 out of 27 mass school shooters have been dad deprived boys. School violence is a huge topic, and each time something happens, many are left asking, why does this keep happening? While I believe the answer is complex, after reading this book, I do have to wonder if encouraging fathers to take an active role in raising their children is a huge part of the solution. Again, the solution is complex. And at times, encouraging fathers to take an active role in raising their children can also be complex. But what if, within each of our families, we did what we could to encourage the fathers and fatherly figures in our lives to take an active role in parenting our children? What if we also encouraged the fathers of our children to reach out, to serve, to show up? For those who are without a fatherly figure, how can we actively support fathers? And why is dad style parenting so important in helping boys now? I grew up in a household of boys, and I'm raising a household of boys, and I found some suggestions from this book, The Boy Crisis, to be super interesting as I've reflected on how my brothers and now my sons interact with one another.

The authors state that rough housing helps children distinguish between assertive and aggressive behavior. And when each style is socially appropriate or inappropriate, they discuss how roughhousing helps with boundary enforcement, not just boundary setting.

And if you've ever been around boys, you probably know that they roughhouse. Reading about the benefits of this has been so eye opening for me because I am one who likes peace and calm, and I can also see how things are going to end when roughhousing gets out of control, so I tend to squash it from the get go. But think about this what if our boys are missing out on key character building experiences that lead to a healthier future through rough housing? Yes, safety is always important, and that's where learning and knowing boundaries come into play. Think about your own family. If you have sons when it comes to rough housing, what are you comfortable with? Does your comfort level differ from that of your children's father? If so, why do you like your reason? Do you need to dig in a little more to figure out what your reasoning is, ponder on it, and try to take notice of what you're thinking and feeling the next time your sons are rough housing.

Another key in helping to heal our boy crisis is teaching and modeling postponed gratification when things get tough emotionally, are our boys being taught how to process their emotions? Or are they being pacified with video games, scrolling pornography, harmful substances, and eventually self harm? Is there anything standing in the way of teaching your sons and the boys in your life how to process their emotions? How are you contributing to the emotional health of boys in general? That's a big question, and I want you to ponder on it, and we'll come back to it towards the end of this episode.

Now, one other surprisingly simple tool the author suggested was the importance of family dinner. They offer five essentials to help keep family dinner night from becoming a family dinner nightmare. I thought that was funny wording. Number one timing. While every night is ideal, it might not always be practical.

So they recommended aiming for once or twice a week, and that family dinner should be about 1 hour to 90 minutes long. Now, again, if this sounds tricky, consider why it sounds tricky and what you can do personally to facilitate it. Do you need to clean up any of your other thoughts about family dinner to prevent it from derailing expectation? Number two no electronics or TV while at the table. This is time to plug in as a family. And number three, have a moderator and a range of discussion topics. The moderator role can be assigned to different people, and they can decide how specific or broad discussion topics are. Number four allow time for check ins and discussion without taboos. This is a safe space to discuss difficult topics. Each family member is going to learn from the other. Number five everyone will have their own story, and therefore this needs to be a judgment free zone. So again, check in with yourself. How can you facilitate this? Do you need to clean up any of your thoughts about any of this in order to show up, how you want to show up.

I really love this idea of creating a structured family dinner format, and I also see how it might not be possible each night with all the different logistics of each family running in different directions throughout the night. Because of this, I also picture some of these conversations taking place in the car as you're shuttling kids off to sports and appointments and music lessons. While creating the space for these conversations, it's also important to let the fathers of our children know that we need their distinct parenting style to balance our own.

And if you have strong feelings against that, I challenge you to dig into your thoughts and opinions to determine why are you coming from a place of fear or confidence? Again, this will be something that you will need to determine. I can facilitate as you dig into your thoughts and beliefs about dad involvement, if necessary. But it's important and it's valuable work, and I challenge you to make the effort.

I believe the family unit is the most valuable unit within society. I also believe our education system plays a valuable role in shaping our future, and schools can support the need for fatherly involvement as well. The authors that we've been talking about, they recommend the following ways of doing this. So for schools, they can actively recruit male teachers, and I would add, male substitute teachers. As I was subbing this past week, I noticed the father of one of our students had just started subbing. I think it was his first day, and this was huge. As I was in an assignment that I was struggling with, I couldn't help but wonder if the students that I was teaching that day if they would have responded differently to this particular sub. He had a different presence than I did, and I think he would have been a huge asset in that classroom that day. So I believe that fathers are an asset to our school family as well as our personal families. Now, number two, we need to reactivate recess. Can we get, like, three chairs for this? We know that play is another form of learning for our children.

They need movement. They need fresh air. They need to learn healthy social interactions personally. How can we facilitate more of this? Number three, vocational training. The authors believe that one of the factors adding up to our boy crisis is a purpose void for our boys with advances in technology and changes in social dynamics. Some of the key purposes and roles previously filled by our boys and our men have been filled by other individuals, machines, and technology. But vocational training provides hands on skills for our boys. I have a personal belief in the value of vocational training.

I can see how this is completely necessary for my boys. Okay, number four, schools can institute sports for all participants as a way to develop internal security. And the authors go on to show how even like pickup sports promote key skills and characteristics that are valuable for entrepreneurship, a topic close to my heart again. And in their book on page 94, they offer these benefits of pickup sports. Number one, it helps individuals to create something from nothing. And number two, they have to recruit and organize other players or employees or coworkers. Number three, they have to create a set of rules rather than just following predetermined rules. And number four, they integrate friends with strangers without favoring friends over those strangers, and vice versa.

Then number five, they have to negotiate boundaries that give everyone a fair chance. And number six, they create consequences for rule breakers and deciding when to enforce those consequences. So these are fabulous social skills, and how are we facilitating ways for our boys to do this? And the bigger question, how are we getting in their way and preventing them from doing this? Do our own fears and questions and concerns, while seemingly justified, do they sometimes prevent us from creating the space for our boys to learn and practice these skills? While it's true that families require resources, money is not the only resource that's important.

Our boys need their father's time. If this isn't possible, they need to spend time with a fatherly figure, and fathers need to feel needed. As mothers, it's important to do a little self reflection to figure out if we're allowing the fathers and fatherly figures in our lives to be present and not just allowing them to be present, but also expecting them to be present. In what ways are we encouraging this connection? And again, more importantly, in what ways are we undermining this connection? This is where coaching can really come to play. So either self coaching or working with a coach such as myself, we can ask a few self reflection questions to determine our own level of support that we offer our husbands and the other fatherly figures in the lives of our children. So here's the first question when speaking with others about your son, is he your son or our son? Do you acknowledge the partnership needed to create that son? Question two who does the disciplining? Does the father of your children spend time with them with and without you? Why do you like that reason? I guess I should say that was question number three.

Here's question number four do your children go to your husband? If they have a question, what types of questions do they talk to their father about? Does this need to improve? If so, how can you facilitate that if you're married? Question number five what chores is your husband quote unquote, expected to complete? Number six do you wish he would help out around the house more? Why or why not? Number seven if your husband cleans something, is it clean or do you feel the need to do the work so that you know it's done correctly? Can you let it be number eight? Along those same lines, if your husband or even your son loads the dishwasher and it's different than how you would do it, do you reload the dishes or do you let it ride? Number nine. Here are a couple that I thought were kind of interesting. Does your husband tease your sons? Do they wrestle? Did you know there's actually a purpose to this? Just like rough housing with siblings, teasing and wrestling can help your son develop healthy boundaries.

Ponder on that. Do you think there's a purpose to teasing, wrestling and rough housing? When does it go too far? Lots of things to think about.

So with all of this, one of the key questions to ask yourself, as I mentioned earlier, is how am I helping to promote the connection between my son and his father or fatherly figure? And then the follow up question of am I hindering the connection in any way? Do you like your reasons? Does anything need to change? Far too often we consume media that showcases the distant and disengaged father as kind of the norm. Kind of that lump of a father who goes to work, brings home a paycheck, comes home and doesn't participate.

Well, over the course of raising our own sons, my husband and I have seen this subtle shift as more and more individuals use their voice, their skill, their talents to promote and showcase competent and engaged fathers. We love comedy, and so we appreciate the humorous and heartfelt messages of influencers. One that we love is Taylor and Heidi Calmis, I think is how you say their last name as they have been developing their Do dad brand. If you haven't seen their videos, check them out. They're hilarious. And there are other influencers using their voice in positive ways, expecting fathers to be equal participants. Our sons need this just as much as our husbands and other fatherly figures need this. So one last question to leave you with what side of the coin will you fall on? Will you crack the seemingly innocent joke highlighting certain weaknesses of fathers in general? Or will you consciously work to promote and encourage the positive involvement of fathers? Thanks for joining me, friends. I'll see you next weekend.