Ep. 30 RAISING TEENAGE BOYS Maintaining Your Sanity When Your Son Makes Crappy Choices

Hello. I'm Lacey Jones, and this is Elevate The Individual. Episode 30 Maintaining Your Sanity When Your Son Makes Crappy Choices. So before we dig into this week's topic and figuring out how you want to respond when your son just makes those crappy choices, I wanted to give a little personal update on something that I was coached on last week, because it totally applies to the work that we were doing in January. If you remember January, we did a lot of goal work and we talked a lot about protocol. And I was getting coached by one of my favorite coaches this last week, and I was struggling with balancing everything that's on my plate. And my plate is full of all kinds of wonderful things that I want on it, but sometimes it gets a little lopsided, and then these thoughts of failure or getting behind tend to kind of seep in.

And as we coached together, I suddenly realized that a lot of my mental drama was being caused because I didn't have a clear protocol when it comes to how many days per week I substitute teach and then how many days per week I work on coaching and my business. And so I do tend to reserve Tuesdays and Wednesdays for individual coaching sessions. And then the rest of the week I work on business related needs and content creation.

And that allows me to sub on Thursdays and Fridays and then possibly Mondays if my school needs me to. And I personally love coaching, but I also really love subbing. And so on occasion, I say yes to subbing on a Tuesday or Wednesday if I'm given enough advance notice to kind of shuffle my calendar and my clients. And if you're not aware, our schools desperately need subs right now, and I have a really hard time saying no when I'm asked to sub. So sometimes I say yes more than I probably should. So this is where the coaching kicks in and where I need to clean up my thoughts. I was thinking that I was saying yes to subbing more than I should and neglecting my business needs, but how do I know that if I don't have a clear protocol of how many times I want to sub each week? So I needed to get way more detailed regarding my subbing availability and blocking out time for all things coaching.

And subbing can sometimes be sporadic or spur of the moment. So what I realized was that I needed to zoom out a little bit rather than looking at things on a weekly basis, it was way more helpful to look at things on a monthly basis. And when looking at things on a monthly basis, I realized that I wanted to attempt to sub ten times or ten days per month while also maintaining my Tuesdays and Wednesdays for client sessions.

And during the weeks that I had previously agreed to sub on a Tuesday or Wednesday I could then block out a Monday or a Thursday or whatever for coaching. And so now when I look at my subbing calendar and my coaching calendar, I just feel way more confident saying yes or no to these subbing requests when I see how many days of the month I've scheduled for subbing. So this is kind of how I cleaned up my subbing protocol as I move forward. I am someone who subs no more than ten days per month at our elementary school. I'm also someone who reserves Tuesdays and Wednesdays for client sessions and business development. And I am someone who commits to my schedule but also understands the need to be flexible within the weekly view as long as I commit to my monthly goals for coaching and subbing.

Now, one other piece of life that was added to my frustration was the fact that I was sick last week. You can hear it in my voice. And this is the kind of sickness where if I didn't take care of myself, things are going to hit the fan in a big way. Kind of sick. So I actually had to cancel four days of subbing, but I kept my coaching sessions as those could be done from home. And canceling those four days of subbing, that was painful because I felt like I was letting a lot of people down and they were counting on me.

I didn't really enjoy telling those teachers that I was no longer available to sub. And so I've had to again coach through this one and clean up my thoughts so that I wasn't adding unnecessary emotional weight and frustration during a time when I was just really trying to physically heal. So I again adjusted my protocol to add in a caveat that when I'm sick, that trumps all, and that taking time to heal will actually mean less time away from the things that I want to do. So that one's kind of a work in progress as I am kind of a go go person. But I just wanted to share that with you because I need you to see how developing a protocol can really benefit you in so many different areas of your life, not just food and exercise and that sort of thing.

And that as you clean up your protocol, you clean up your mental load, which allows you to move forward without unnecessarily draining your mental energy. So let's reflect just a touch on the conversation that we started last week. We talked about the need for difficult conversations as we raise these teenage boys of ours, that our schools and families truly depend on us to have these conversations.

This past week I was driving a couple of my boys around after school, hustling our youngest to basketball practice, and I just asked him how his day was and he said not good. And he said one of his friends had said a bad word and it had really bugged him. Now my youngest is seven and I really love hearing how he interprets things. If you haven't met him, he's a treat. He's this unique kid and I just sometimes look at him and think, where did you come from? But I asked him what word it was and he said he double hockey sticks.

He was so bummed that a friend would say such words to him. And as I tried to keep from smiling, I realized that what we were doing in that moment was building the foundation of our stage for future difficult conversations. And that I really needed to refrain from trying to fix how he felt and minimizing his frustrations with it. Because though it was not a big deal to me, it was a really big deal to him and he was uncomfortable and I really needed to rein in my perspective and just approach it with curiosity to see why it was a problem for him. And he went on to explain that he ll mom was a place and his friend was trying to use it as a bad word. And then our conversation drifted as we talked about the different meanings of words. So as our boys grow, the conversations are going to change, the topics are going to become more difficult and their willingness to participate in the conversation might actually become extinct.

And then tension and fear can easily drive these wedges between parents and teenagers as both explore new territory, new choices, and new emotions. So it is inevitable that our sons will make choices that we just don't agree with. It's the natural path of a teenager and from the time of birth, parents are really tasked to teach and guide their children.

Our methods and our messages as parents are going to differ based on our own life experiences and our thoughts about our abilities and then our concerns for our son's futures. We hold fears that hold our tongues. We resist saying certain things only to unleash in ways that don't honor who we want to be as mothers and guides. So how do we grow ourselves so that we don't become who we don't want to be? Well, first we need to gain an awareness of the thoughts driving our actions.

We might think that we're frustrated because our son is choosing to waste his life away on video games. And when we are frustrated, we might say things to him that are harsher than we would want them to be if we weren't frustrated. So we might also take drastic actions such as throwing that dang game system out the door, just anything to make him stop playing.

Well, as a result, our life and our actions also become consumed by the dang video games. And many are going to blame the video games and their son's behavior for that frustration that they feel. But I want to remind you that our emotions are generated by the stories we create about the situation. That means your frustration is created by your thoughts about your son playing video games. So what are you making it mean that your son plays video games all of the time? That your son no longer runs outside or joins the family as you chill out after dinner? What are you making it mean about his future? While choosing to think that your son is wasting his life away on video games might be a true thought.

It is not a thought that serves you if you are taking actions from a place of frustration. Because attached to that thought is another thought that is truly driving your emotional train, and it's one that haunts many parents. It's this thought that my child is taking an action that I don't like and I can't do anything about it. I have failed my child. Deep rooted in many sessions as I work with frustrated moms is the thought, I have failed my child or my child's life is going to be less than it could have been because of something I have done? So I want you to think on that for a minute.

Have you ever entertained those thoughts? Do they show up in the quiet moments as you question your ability to parent your child right now? If so, please know that you are not alone. Please know that you don't have to believe that moving forward, it could be possible that your son is wasting his life away on video games, but it is not a fact. So I would ask you to take a deeper look at the circumstances and find the truths. What is your son doing? Be detailed.

Is he sitting in a chair? Is he holding a piece of technology? Is he talking to friends through his headset? How many hours is he playing? From what time to what time? Be exact. If the amount of time is what is bugging you, let's take a deeper look at that and what you're making it mean. Again, start with the facts. What time does he start playing and what time does he stop? What is that total length of time and what are you making it mean that he plays for that length of time? Now, if the time frame is more than you're comfortable with, how do you want to show up? Do you want to share your thought process with him as to why it might be too much? Or do you want to enforce a time limit? If you choose to enforce a time limit, what is keeping you from doing that right now? Are you afraid of how he will respond? Is it just easier to let him play than to suffer the wrath of his anger? When you turn off the WiFi? So often we make choices because we're avoiding discomfort, either our own discomfort or our child's.

But let's kind of flip that on its head. That's what I love to do best. Let's flip things on their head.

What could come of your child's discomfort when you choose to enforce a time limit and turn off the WiFi after a predetermined amount of time? If your son is still playing his video games, what do you anticipate is going to happen? How will the aftermath of the decision be impacted if you proceed with confidence instead of fear? What actions will you take if you believe you are acting in a way that is good for your child, even when they escalate into a fit of rage, what will happen if you get your own back? Now, for the sake of this episode, we're talking about gaming, but you can very easily apply these questions to any decision your child is making that you feel is to his detriment.

Is he hanging out with the wrong crowd? Is he vaping? Is he looking at pornography? Is he being too physical with his girlfriend for your standards? Is he blowing off homework and school assignments? Is he experimenting with drugs and other substances? The first thing I want you to do is write down your thoughts about what you're making all of his choices mean. Are you making it mean something about you or about his future? Then I want you to notice how these thoughts are driving your emotions and actions. Are you showing up how you want to show up? Are you parenting from an emotional state that serves you and your child? If you are, great, keep moving forward. But if you aren't, take it back to the facts. Dissect your thoughts from the facts of the situation. Remove the drama from your story. Decide how you want to feel about your son given the facts. Decide how you want to feel about your ability to teach your son.

Given the facts, what thought will you need to think in order to feel that way? How will feeling that way drive your actions? What actions will you or won't you take when you are feeling that way? Will your actions create the result you want? The bottom line is, your thoughts will determine how and if you show up when it's time to have difficult conversations with your son. Your son needs you to be confident in who you are and your ability to love and guide him. He needs you.

And at this moment, he needs who you are today. And he needs to know that you love him enough to work through any bumps, any discomfort along the way. So please know that this work isn't always easy, but it is so worth it. I have done this work. I'm still doing this work as I move towards showing up with more confidence rather than fear. And every time I show up with more peace and love during an interaction with my sons, I always say, Man, Dang, that's all because of coaching. It works. So I fully believe that everyone needs a coach. So please, if you are struggling to have the difficult conversations that your child needs. Please reach out. Your first session is free. You know this if you've listened before and you'll find that hope that you need to move forward. So you can head to Laceyjonescoaching.com to schedule. And if you have any, please, please submit them through the Ask Lacey tab. That is a perfect way to send something to me and I can address real easily that way. But you are doing great work. You are exactly where you need to be. I'll see you next week. Friends. Thanks.