Ep. 29 RAISING TEENAGE BOYS How to Have Difficult Conversations

I'm Lacey Jones, and this is Elevate the Individual Episode 29 How to Have Difficult Conversations. I don't know if you've ever spent any time scrolling through teacher forums or teacher Facebook groups, but I happened to scroll through one this morning that invited readers to finish this sentence. It said, as a teacher, I never thought I would have to fill in the blank. And the answers that were given ranged from things that we've heard before to more and more unsettling realities. And while no teacher really wants to deal with bodily fluids and functions in an environment full of children, it's bound to happen. And I think I'm going to be sick is not what you want to hear, unless there is a trash can nearby and no one wants to chase a mouse around the room or check for headlights.

But it does happen in classrooms occasionally, and no one wants to practice active shooter drills or consider ways to silently evacuate students from a room without an exterior door and windows 10ft off the ground. But it is our new reality. As parents, we have the responsibility to provide for the basic needs of our children physical needs such as food, water, clothing and shelter, as well as mental and emotional needs such as self control, accountability, trust, and respect. And due to the nature of the classroom, school environment, and time our children spend within the walls of their schools, the classrooms have become their home away from home. Just as a family cannot function without the basics of self control, accountability, trust, and respect, the same is true for the classroom. When students are no longer taught these life skills in the home, teachers are asked to step in where parents have stepped out.

Math, science, geography, Ela, reading, art, PE, and music cannot be learned. When a student is missing key social and emotional skills, the lack of skills is felt across the room and throughout the school. For example, the one child who refuses to take his medication to control his impulsive behavior upsets the classroom dynamic and learning environment. For the rest of the 26 students, his actions tread on the rights of his teacher, his fellow classmates, school administrators and staff.

But it is the teacher and staff who will be held accountable, not the parents. It is time for parents to step up. If we were to ask a similar question to our children as was framed to teachers previously, the responses would be even more heartbreaking. The question would sound something like ask a student within the public education system. I never thought I would have to fill in the blank.

They could possibly respond in the following ways number one, I never thought I would have to practice active shooter drills, experience lockdowns for hours, or show my substitute teacher how to easily block our classroom door. I never thought I would witness parents verbally attack my classmate while they attempted to keep score during a sports game. I never thought I would have to defend my sexual identity to those who call me a bigot. I never thought I would have to worry about my mom posting a picture of me on her social media for fear of what my friends might do with it during school.

I never thought I would wonder if our teacher is going to show up or if we'll have a series of teachers filter in throughout the day because there aren't enough subs. I never thought I would walk past three bathrooms before finding one that hasn't been vandalized, filled with vape or pot, and was safe to walk into.

While these responses are heartbreaking to parents and teachers, the bigger question is whether or not our children have accepted the above scenarios as normal and just part of life. The reality is we as parents need to have difficult conversations with our children. We need to talk to them about things we never had to consider when we were younger. With all that is happening in the world, our teenage boys need our guidance more than ever. Is it possible that we've forgotten to empower our boys while advocating for the rights of their female counterparts? I believe we have. This is why, for the month of February, I will be focusing my podcast episodes on resources for mothers of teenage boys. Now, don't tune out just yet if that's not you, as I believe these conversations will benefit children and parents of all ages and sexual identities. So please just stick with me on this one. I believe that the most powerful teaching tools lie within the home and family. As we create a safe space for difficult conversations within the framework of a loving family, we open the doors to a better future for our children.

Topics that were once deemed as taboo, but are now freely discussed in school hallways, group text, and social media are where we need to start. Several years ago, I was asked to be part of a committee that was tasked with creating lessons geared towards children regarding the dangers of pornography. The lessons were age appropriate and started with the basics of why we have bodies and the gift that they are. The lessons discussed a very general definition of pornography that was, again, age appropriate. We studied the work of Kristen Jensen, author of Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, who has dedicated her life's work to empowering the minds of young kids and helping them to reject pornography. The work we did to create these lessons was not well received, as many parents questioned if it was a topic appropriate for children. As a mother of five boys, along with several other committee members who were also mothers, fathers and grandparents, we worked and prayed that what we created would be appropriate for the children in our care.

In the end, we were able to distribute the lessons to families to use within their homes at their discretion and I often think about that experience and how shocked some parents were that we would suggest they speak with their children about pornography. To them, the topic was something that should wait until their children were older teenagers. I will state now, without any hesitation, that if we wait to talk about pornography and other difficult topics until our children are older teenagers, we will have waited too long, as they will have already picked up an education on the topic from their fellow classmates, playmates and friends on the school bus, on their phones, their tablets, and at recess.

As parents, our thoughts about such topics as pornography, masturbation, gender and sexual identity, sexual preference, drug usage, accountability, delayed gratification, vaping consent, inappropriate touch, violence, racism, respect, sexual activity, condoms, birth control, mental health, self harm, alcohol, social media, and Internet safety will affect whether or not we discuss things pertaining to them with our teenagers.

Some will label many of these topics as taboo, uncomfortable, inappropriate, or unnecessary, while others will label them as no big deal, normal, important, and necessary. How you label each of these topics will affect how you show up for your child in times when they need information concerning them. Let's say that you have found vape in your son's backpack. Depending on your experience with vape and teenagers, you're going to have several thoughts about your son, about the vape, his friends, and probably your parenting. Your first question might be what the heck? As you stand there in disbelief. But as the reality sinks in, the grief, the concern, the confusion, the anger, and the frustration will most likely come next. You realize you need to talk to him. But how in the world do you talk to him about something so big? Your thoughts about vape are not necessarily what will determine your conversation with him, but rather your thoughts about the conversation itself and your thoughts about how you want to show up in that moment.

I recently took to Facebook and asked my friends how they would respond in this situation. I received several comments, personal messages, and texts from individuals sharing their own experiences and thoughts about this topic. The personal messages and texts confirmed to me that vaping by teenagers is not talked about enough amongst parents. Many parents are caught off guard when they learn that their child, who would otherwise be considered a good kid or their child's friends are vaping. Our children need us to step up, if we haven't already. Just as our children need to know that they aren't alone, we as parents need to know that we aren't alone in this battle. Here are some of the ways my dear friends said they might handle the scenario of finding vape in their son's backpack.

Now, before we dig into them, I do need to point out that the responses I received were from all parts of the United States. Teenage vaping is not limited to a certain geographical location. If your area has a high school or a middle school, your area also has a vaping problem. Okay, so again, here's how my friends responded. Some of them offered some beautiful questions such as what is this doing in here? Does it belong to you or someone else? If it is yours, when did you start vaping? Do you understand the physical effects of this? And one friend hoped that she would stay neutral and say so, tell me about this.

Another continued with questions such as are you doing this to feel accepted? Are you curious? How did it make you feel after you did it? Was it worth it? And I really loved this question.

My friend stated, would you do it in front of me or the neighbors? Why or why not? And one of the reasons I loved this question is because of how shame often causes a person to hide what they're doing. It's really a true indicator that the person believes they shouldn't be doing what they are doing. And so follow up questions can lead to their thoughts about why they think they shouldn't be doing the thing and why they chose to do it anyway.

So if you notice at any point if your child is hiding something or themselves or not talking about a certain thing, shame is often a driving emotion behind that, which again, is a result of a thought that they shouldn't be doing something. So something to investigate. But another friend said, what are your standards? Does this action match those? And these particular questions were followed up with a recommendation to schedule more lunch dates to keep the conversation going, which is pure genius. And another dear friend suggested asking if something is wrong and that these kinds of actions are often a reaction to something else going wrong in their lives, that there's usually a deeper issue going on when kids act out. She suggested asking if the child wanted to talk to their parent or someone who was less biased, such as a therapist.

Another wise friend pointed out that kids will sometimes get sucked into unhealthy choices because they feel they need to keep up with or be included with their friends who are doing it. Good old peer pressure. But that in reality, their friend's choices have nothing to do with the friendship, and it really is a reflection on the friend individually. Okay, here's one from a good friend of mine. She said she would choose to ask clear questions because she has learned that remaining calm and controlled during talks with her teens helps the child to open up and ask questions. Fear of punishment during a conversation with a trusted adult can cause them to clam up. She suggested asking such questions as is this yours? And why are you vaping? I love that. She also recommended asking the child to stop the behavior and to thank them for talking openly. And of course, she would end with a hug, which I totally pictured, and it just made me miss this friend. So thank you. You know who you are, and I need you to hear this next response because I think it drove home the point of this episode without my friend relieving knowing it.

Here's what she commented. She asked, Why are you going through your teenage son's backpack unless you're already suspicious of him for some reason? I can honestly tell you I speak openly with my kids, and I have not gone through their backpacks since around fifth grade. One is a senior and one as a freshman. So before you talk to your kid and want him to open up and be honest with you, you should have a really good reason to explain to him why you distrusted him enough to go through his things without his permission. Okay? There are so many good nuggets in there. I loved that she talked about having an open line of communication with her kids, that no topic is taboo. And I know her, and I know how she talks to her kids, right? She has these beautiful, amazing kids, and she's taught them how to be amazing humans. The other thing I like is that, hey, if you're going to do this, have a good reason and explain it. Be open with your side of the conversation and your actions. I really liked that I had other friends reach out stating that they were blindsided when they discovered that their child was vaping.

And it's for these parents that I want to have this conversation, because no one should feel alone while parenting teenagers. It's not humane to leave parents to fend for themselves. It's just not. And I understand that many of these comments presented well thought out reactions and responses by those who were able to think before typing.

But what if something happens with your child and you can't remain calm and you just want to flip your lid? How do you control your actions so that you can appear calm, cool, and collected as a parent? Well, before we answer that, I have one question for you to think on. Is it important that you always remain calm, cool, and collected when parenting your teenager? If so, why? And if not, why? I personally feel like I could argue either side of this question. When it comes right down to it, you are the greatest resource your teenager has for navigating this world. Even when you flip your lid and don't handle things in a calm, respectful way, your child needs to see you make mistakes, and they also need to see you attempt to rectify those mistakes.

The greatest indicator as to how you will handle a difficult conversation with your child is your thoughts and beliefs about your child, your parenting abilities, and the issues the two of you are facing. Your thoughts will generate certain emotions, and from those emotions, you're going to take certain actions or inactions which create the relationship you have with your child. So please take the time to challenge and develop your thought process concerning your ability to have difficult conversations with your child. The health and safety of your child, your family, your student, your child's teacher and school depend on it. Now, if you have a specific circumstance and you're unsure how to process it, how to approach your child, how to discuss it, please, please reach out. I know I always say this, but as a mother of five boys, a substitute teacher within our school system, and a coach to mothers and teachers and some teens, I can guarantee you that I probably heard your concerns from someone else.

You are not alone, and we can work through this together. There is strength in numbers, and you have options. So please don't allow yourself to feel stuck or to feel like a failure. When it comes to parenting your teens, your child's choices do not mean that you have failed as a parent.

Now, you can head to the website Laceyjonescoaching.com and schedule your free session there, or keep scrolling through the other episodes of this podcast to see if there's something that can help with a question that you have. You can even submit an Ask Lacey question through the website. You'll see that on the homepage. We have some exciting things planned for this month, so please be sure to add your name to the email list as well so that you stay in the know. And much love to you, my friends. Keep up the fight and things will get better. I'll see you next weekend.