Ep. 5 Resilience with Special Guest Braxton Zirker
Elevate the Individual - Episode 5 Transcript
Lacey Jones
This is Lacey Jones and this is episode five, resilience. I am so excited for this episode of the podcast past. A couple of weeks ago, I was in a group meeting and a comment was made about teenagers these days, right. And the person was kind of lamenting over the fact that kids these days are really lacking resilience. And if we could just give them a healthy dose of that, then their lives would be so much better. And while I can see some truth to that, I can also see on the flip side how resilient our children have become due to the different situations that they've been faced with during their teenage years. Things that I never had to experience. And so when I hear that maybe our kids need to learn how to be more resilient, I want to push pause and say, wait a minute, let's talk to the youth. Let's ask them what they're going through and get their perspective. So that's what we're doing today. The name of this podcast very well could have been Win Plans Change because that is an overarching theme in our guest speaker's story. So this is my nephew, Braxton, and I'm going to have Braxton just go ahead and introduce himself and start with his story.
Braxton Zirker
Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure. This has been something me and a buddy have. We listened to a lot of podcasts and we always know, hey, this would be so cool if we could one day be on a podcast. So this is a dream come true. So I'm excited to be here.
Lacey Jones
Awesome.
Braxton Zirker
Yeah. I'd love to just start at the beginning, kind of tell a little bit about my story, if that's okay. I grew up in Colorado. I was there for about ten years, and when I turned eleven, my parents relocated to North Idaho. This was quite the transition for me. I was well established with friends in school. When I was in Colorado, I was doing sports and all those different things, so I felt like life was going good. And so to have all of that uprooted as an eleven year old was pretty traumatic for me, I guess you could say. So I was enrolled in the public school near our house and that first year transition was really pretty rough for me. I had a hard time making friends and adjusting to living in a new place with unfamiliar circumstances and people. And so after doing a year of that, I eventually ended up switching to do online school because I felt like that would be a better fit for me. And so I ended up doing that for two years in middle school. I didn't necessarily love it. I still didn't feel like I was happy, but at this point I was kind of trying to run away from my problems. You could say what I was going.
Lacey Jones
To ask you is for you because everyone has a different path. Everyone has a different purpose, a different journey. For you, was that a good fit in any way? Good, bad? What was that for you?
Braxton Zirker
It was a transition I needed to make, but I wouldn't say that it was a good fit. I still had a hard time adjusting to, yet again, going to a different school, different teachers, different way of learning. Even now I'm doing it completely virtual. That kind of isolated me even more socially, so now I'm not getting as much social interaction either. And so overall, it was just quite a struggle working through all of this, especially during those early teenage years where you really need a strong kind of social footing to develop. And for me, I wasn't getting that, but I was scared of making that transition back to public school, you could say scared of what I might find. And so in a way, I was comfortable in the position I was, but I wasn't happy. And I think a lot of times that's something we run into is we might be comfortable in our routines, but we're not necessarily happy, or we're doing something we enjoy. And that was kind of the position I found myself in as I concluded these two years of home school through middle school and was faced with the decision of going into high school. Do I want to keep being comfortable and do online school, or do I want to maybe step out of my comfort zone a little bit, take a bit of a risk, but get the reward of additional happiness and be able to find more joy in my life? So there's kind of this decision, do I choose comfort or happiness at this kind of crossroad?
Lacey Jones
Okay, and remind me about what age are you at this point?
Braxton Zirker
I am 15, so 1415 years old, finishing up middle school. And I decide that, yes, I'm comfortable now, but I'm tired of being miserable and not happy. So I felt good about going into high school, going back into public school in person. So that fall, I end up enrolling. And I can remember there was a camping trip I went on with a couple of buddies right before that, and they were just talking about how much fun they had in high school. They talked about doing sports and all these different things, and my brain started to almost romanticize it, a little bit of these adventures and new friends. I could make sports, I could try. Basically all of the things I had been missing over the past couple of years, they were offering a solution to. There was something that I could find in high school to solve one of those problems. And so that was also a big part, was just being able to be around people that encouraged me to take this leap, because I don't think if it were just up to me, I probably would have continued staying comfortable, over happy. But when I got a glimpse of maybe I wasn't missing out on but what I could come to find, what I could enjoy, that was when I made that decision that, oh, this is something that's possible for me. This is something I can reach out for, and I can take that jump, take that risk, and hopefully reap a reward from that.
Lacey Jones
Okay, so now I'm curious, how did that go for you? And how did your parents help with that?
Braxton Zirker
Had a meltdown every single day for just hours. Just inconsolable. Did not want to be talked to. Just wanted life to be over. I just felt so miserable. And my parents could see that, and I could see they were looking back on it now. They wanted to help. I don't know if they knew how to help, but they also wanted to encourage me to do something that was outside of my comfort zone. So at the end of that year, when I said, hey, look, I'm not happy right now. I want to make this change. Something needs to change, they gave their support and saying, yes, we could see you struggled. Yes, you did stick it out. The way I interacted with my family, just very reclusive, drawn in, not really extroverted at home or outside of home with whatever I was doing. And so they definitely gave their encouragement, saying, let's get you into high school in person because we feel this will benefit you. But ultimately, they still gave me that choice to make that decision. So it wasn't like they were saying, okay, and so they could be best for you.
Lacey Jones
Okay. And it's interesting for me to ask that question because as I'm asking, I'm like I don't even know I don't know what it was like, the family dynamics I saw from 300 miles away. I think one of the reasons you want to dig into that is you've had to make choices over the last several years and make changes, something that we talked about when your plans change. And one of the purposes for bringing you on the podcast was this is a teenager young adult perspective, right? And some of my listeners will be moms. And I wanted to offer a different perspective. Rather than just always hearing from me, I want to offer a perspective from a young adult now of how parents supported and how they tried. And some of this stuff you mentioned you're looking back on, right? This has happened several years ago, and so we can always hindsight different things. But that's what I want to offer is your perspective as the young adult now and what helped. And I don't want to air all the dirty laundry, but I do want to offer your perspective of what helped during these transition times, because I think that will be one of the main focuses that we talk about. You mentioned earlier where a transition needed to be made. And maybe it wasn't comfortable, but something needed to happen. And how, as parents, how can we support our children when a transition needs to be made from the plan? Okay, so you've gone through middle school and high school. Let's take you to the point that we had talked about a little bit earlier where it's kind of mission time. And for those who may not be a member of our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, why don't you give a quick rundown of what a mission is or maybe what you thought it was and I'll let you dive into your story at that point.
Braxton Zirker
Yeah, of course. So for members of the Church of Jesus Christ, mission is typically two years of service where they go out and they share the gospel. They share a message about Jesus Christ with all sorts of people. They go throughout the world where wherever they're assigned to serve, we don't get to choose. That's something that is assigned to us. And so this was always something that was an expectation in my household for me that I would serve a mission. Again, I had that choice, but there was the ability to choose, but there was also these expectations that almost influenced that choice a little bit. So expectations from family members and friends and people that I interacted with that this is something I was going to do. And so at that point, I feel like it was a decision I made. But majority of that motivation to go out and serve this mission for two years, to give up or dedicate these two years, was externally motivated. It was motivated by my mom and my dad, my siblings, friends and other people. They were all encouraging and motivating me to go. And so it was something that I not necessarily felt obligated, but it was something that I was motivated, I was excited to do because of the way it would impact other people and maybe their perception of me as a person if I were to go versus if I weren't to go.
Lacey Jones
Okay, so that social expectation, right?
Braxton Zirker
And so that social expectation was this external motivation. But it was more not necessarily powerful, but it was a stronger influence than the motivation I felt internally. I'm doing this for me. This is something I want to do. It was more for. This is something I'm expected to do. That's why I'm doing this.
Lacey Jones
So that's an interesting decision point in your life, right? And later in our podcast, we're going to talk about how families can support young adults in those kind of moments. Doesn't have to be deciding to go on a mission. It can be that kind of decision. So that's something I want to kind of circle back to when we get to that. Right? We had talked about that where, how can our family members support the young adults in our lives? So you've made the decision to go right now. What?
Braxton Zirker
Yeah. So I've made the decision to go. I'm in the process of getting everything ready, and then COVID hits. So this is right when COVID comes, right at the beginning, turns everything upside down. And I'm trying to figure out what do I want to do? And I kind of have this mindset of I want to go now. I want to get this out of the way. There's so many unknown variables that if I wait, I could be waiting forever. And I don't like waiting because it's hard to make plans for the future when you're waiting on all these unknown variables. So I figured if I just go now, whatever it may be, I'll take it, because then I can plan on that. That's something I can count on. Absolutely. I decide to go forward with my mission, and I'm assigned to serve in Madrid, Spain. So I'm super excited for this. This is something I've waited for and people have been expecting from me. This is something that's had a lot of build up. So to finally have that assignment in my hands and say, okay, I'm going through with this, that was a pretty cool moment.
Lacey Jones
Yeah.
Braxton Zirker
This is still in the beginning of COVID so countries are shut down. There's not a whole lot of international travel.
Lacey Jones
Our world is basically turned upside down. Like you said, we don't really know what's going on at this point. Right?
Braxton Zirker
Yes.
Lacey Jones
We all thought it was going to be for two weeks, and then we were going to be back to normal life.
Braxton Zirker
Exactly. And so I remember thinking, oh, I'm supposed to leave at the end of summer. It's April right now. By the time I'm supposed to leave comes around, COVID will be over. I'll just be able to go on my merry way over to Spain. I'll serve for two years, and then my plan is I'll just go back into life, go on with whatever, and so I spend the rest of that summer getting ready to go. Time comes for me to leave, and I'm supposed to attend this training center for six weeks to help me learn the language, help me just prepare for this assignment I'm going to be doing for the next two years. I was super excited for this. This is something this is kind of a pivotal part of this mission experience, where you cross that threshold, you're leaving home. It's kind of that transition. You're getting ready.
Lacey Jones
This is the NTC for those who don't know, right. This is the missionary training center. This is a big moment. Drop offs have changed for dropping off your missionary at the MTC. Now it's more like you get to the curb, you kick them out of the car, right. And see you later. But when I was younger and my brothers were attending the MTC and going on missions, it was walk in with them, have a big, long meeting, and then everybody's just crying because you're saying goodbye for two years or a year and a half for some missionaries. And so this is like a pivotal moment of starting a mission, right, this MTC experience. And so what was your MTC experience, braxton?
Braxton Zirker
Yeah, so end of summer comes, and as you all know, COVID's still around, and so they had switched to doing, like, everything else virtual MTC. So I didn't get to go down to Utah. I didn't get that kind of rite of passage. I did it in my basement. So basically all day, every day for those six weeks, I was attending different Zoom meetings, just preparing, doing lots of different studying, trying to learn the language, the messages. I'd be sharing all of these things while still at home. And so that was definitely kind of a shock, that first week, getting that transition period, trying to figure out, how do I adjust to this? How do I get a routine? This isn't what I was planning to do, but how can I still make the best of this? So I finally get adjusted. Things are going good, and it finally comes time for me to leave the MTC and actually start my missionary assignment. And instead of going to Spain, Spain is still closed because of yeah. So I get a reassignment, and now I'm going to.
Lacey Jones
Did you at what point did that change? Because we've got the mission call to Spain. We're not going to the MTC. We're going to do Zoom training in the basement. Right. Home, I guess you should say at home. Not like you have to be in the basement. That's just logistically where it worked for your family. And then at what point did it change to Pittsburgh?
Braxton Zirker
Yeah, so when I started that at home virtual NTC, I found out that first day, that's when I found out I would be going to oh. So I had about six weeks from then to prepare before actually leaving this at home MTC experience to go to Pittsburgh.
Lacey Jones
Okay, so do you remember that day? I mean, what was it like all of a sudden, wait, not Spain, staying stateside? What was that like?
Braxton Zirker
At this point, I had already found out that this MTC was not open for in person experience, and so I was disappointed, but I was also expecting that I was going to get reassigned somewhere stateside just because they were not sending any missionaries out whatsoever outside of the country. That being said, though, I figured I would probably be stateside for two months, tops.
Lacey Jones
Okay.
Braxton Zirker
That was the thought I had in my head of, this will be all right. I'll get accustomed to this missionary assignment in the states where I'm still used customs, and then once I've figured things out, that's about the time that I'll get sent back to my original assignment of Spain, and then I'll have kind of a good feel for things by then. So I'll just be able to hit the ground running, and we'll be good.
Lacey Jones
To mean, you bring up a good point, like, give it two months, right, and we'll be out of this and it will be back to Spain. That's kind of how the COVID experience was, right? When my kids came home from school, it was we're sending them home from school in the letter indefinitely, but we think we'll be back in about two weeks kind of thing. And so a lot of, well, let's do this, let's change this plan. We think a roughly timeframe this, and then we'll be back to, quote unquote, normal, right? But that didn't happen. So now you go out to Pittsburgh. How long are you in Pennsylvania at that point? And what point did you realize things probably not going to happen?
Braxton Zirker
I leave my house in Idaho. I go over to Pennsylvania. I'm there for about 18 months. Okay? So that too stretched into a lot longer time period than I was originally expecting. I'm in Pennsylvania, and I'm about a year into my time there, and I get an email saying, hey, we want you to start filling out this paperwork so we can get you all the documents you need to go, all your visa paperwork and different things so you can go to Spain. So at this point, I'm again thinking, okay, it's finally happening. I've waited a year for this. This is ten months longer than I was expecting. And then again, like you said, they give you that. We're not sure exactly when it's still up in the air, but we're hoping by I got that email in July. We're hoping by September. October? You're in? I'm feeling optimistic that, hey, this is finally going to become a reality. I got to spend half my time in Pennsylvania. I loved my time in Pennsylvania, but I'm excited for this new adventure in Spain. I'll get kind of a half and half experience. This is going to work out perfectly. This is going to be great. So I hurry and send off that visa paperwork as fast as I can because I didn't want it getting delayed for any reason, messing up any of my chances. And then I sit around and wait. It was around that time right after I sent those papers off, I started to experience some health problems, okay? And so those gradually started getting worse and worse through the preceding months. Spain is still up in the air at this point, and then eventually it becomes a question of, okay, am I going to stay in Pennsylvania or am I going to have to return home? So this whole again, whole thing gets turned on its head of it's not do I stay in Pennsylvania or go to Spain? It's do I stay in Pennsylvania or do I go back home earlier than I had expected?
Lacey Jones
This is like as you and I were talking when we had a conversation a couple of weeks ago, and we're like, Wait, what about this moment? And this moment? Your plans changed. Your plans changed here. And so you brought up one that I wasn't aware of when you started filling out the paperwork for your visa for didn't I didn't know about that, but, okay, plans are going to change there. So this is kind of a cycle that's repeating them. Okay, well, plans are changing again. Plans are changing again. And now it's okay, spain's not really on the table anymore. Now we're going to stay here in Pennsylvania or possibly go know and needing to make that best decision. So how about that? What was it like to make that decision to return home?
Braxton Zirker
Right. And that was a decision, again, that was made collectively. There were a lot of different influences. There were mentors and leaders and health care providers in Pennsylvania that helped support missionaries that gave their input and advice and opinion whether or not I should remain in Pennsylvania. We had this whole council together of, okay, this is what the healthcare providers think. This is what the leaders of the mission think. Here's what my parents think. What do I think? And so we all came together, and we talked about this, and we decided that these health problems had started end of August, and it was the beginning of February now. So I had been mitigating, mitigating, mitigating. But it had reached a point where mitigation was no longer an effective way to help resolve this problem or challenge I was facing, and that the best course of action was, okay, I need to return home now. Yes, it's six months early, and yes, we probably could mitigate these effects till the end for the last six months, but would that be healthy? Would that be beneficial? Ultimately, it was decided probably not. So that's when that decision was made, okay, hey, let's send him home. We'll have him transition home, and we'll kind of go from there. We'll see if things start to improve.
Lacey Jones
Okay, that's a big moment, because as we mentioned before, a mission is typically two years proselyting mission, which is what you were called to. And at this point, had it been about 18 months?
Braxton Zirker
Yes.
Lacey Jones
Where was your head at in that? Was it feelings of, this is wonderful, beautiful, because this is what I need to do health wise? Was there anything else going on? Where was your head at in that decision?
Braxton Zirker
Yeah, so this mindset I had adapted actually had started right around when I made, if you go know, four or five years when I made that transition from middle school to high school, I became really interested in the Navy Seals, and these guys are just known for their no quit mentality. And so that was this mindset I had adapted. And that's a big reason of how I was able to thrive in high school, was just having this no quit relentless attitude. And so now, faced with almost my mind now viewed going back to the mission, my mind viewed going home after 18 months as quitting. And so it was almost me becoming my own enemy at this point of this negative self talk saying, why can't I make it these last six months? Am I not good enough? What's the reason for this? You've never quit before. Why do you think you're quitting now? And so just all of these different thoughts are just totally invading. Yes, this decision to come home was the right call, but it didn't mean that it made it easier and didn't mean that it was something I didn't struggle with. Still in a different way.
Lacey Jones
Yeah. And with the coaching that I do, we talk a lot about the stories that we create for ourselves. And so you had built up a story of the no quit mentality. Right. The Navy Seals, they get to work. They don't quit. They work through the pain, I imagine. Right. Like, no pain, no gain kind of thing. These are the stories that we create. Well, life has required a change at this point. So now the stories are changing, and it becomes that negative self talk of why are you quitting? We haven't quit before. And as those stories change, what emotion comes up for you? What feelings come up for you with this negative self talk? Do you feeling like sunshine and rainbows? I honestly don't know the answer to this. So I'm like, Wait, what is the answer to this?
Braxton Zirker
No. Yeah, that's a really good question. I would say, for me, a lot of it was disappointment in myself of wondering, had I finally reached a point or an obstacle in my life that I wasn't able to get over? That's kind of what it felt like. It felt like I was trying to do the impossible. And this was truly something I could not get over. So kind of this disappointment, I've been able to kind of tough my way through things before. I've been able to overcome obstacles. So why does it feel like I'm just banging my head into a wall over and over again trying to get over this obstacle? Yeah. Disappointment, confusion, and frustration were probably the big three that I felt.
Lacey Jones
Okay, so I'm going to table those emotions. Right. So you're home at this point in a little bit of maybe not your favorite place, right, of disappointment, confusion, and frustration. And the decision has been made, I believe, at this point, to do a service mission. Is that correct?
Braxton Zirker
Yep.
Lacey Jones
Okay, so what is a service mission?
Braxton Zirker
Right. So the mission that I was serving in Pennsylvania was known as a proselyte mission. So you're going around talking to other people about, Jesus Christ. You're helping people develop their relationship with him as a service missionary. Your goal is exactly that, to be a missionary through service. So you're going out in the community. You're looking for opportunities to serve other people, serve your family, serve your friends, just serve everyone. And that's the primary goal. And so the scheduling and the rigidity of this lifestyle is a lot lower than being a proselyte in missionary. And as a result, that would allow me to hopefully be able to continue finishing the last six months of my mission. And so this gave me a little bit of closure or peace, knowing that I technically wasn't quitting at this point. I was still going to get to finish my missionary service, but I still was, again, all those frustrated, confused, disappointed, just wondering how this was all going.
Lacey Jones
To play out besides coming home and changing to a service mission. So you've now made a couple of changes. It's no longer a proselyting mission, it's a service mission. You're living at home. Previously you were living with a companion, right? Missionaries are assigned in pairs or companionship, and you could reach out, you could contact family, like make phone calls and email, that sort of thing. But now you're actually home and you no longer have a companion. Is that correct?
Braxton Zirker
I'll say, yeah, I went from being with this companion, twenty four seven, you never leave his sight or his sound to now being completely on my own. Yes, I'm with my family, but I can go and do things on my own. I don't have to have someone with me like I did twenty four seven before.
Lacey Jones
Okay? So that is another way that the plans have changed drastically again. And one of your assignments that you ended up spending some time with was Habitat for Humanity. Am I correct on that? So tell us what you did for that assignment.
Braxton Zirker
Right, so the cool thing about service missions is that because they're so flexible, you're able to work with the skills and talents you have. So for me, I enjoy doing construction. I had some experience in the past with it, and so I made that my full time obligation, if you will. I was on their construction site helping to build houses, and we did that five, six days a week, everything from putting down flooring, installing cabinets, putting in trim, whatever it is. The guys were awesome on the job site. They'd hand me the tools I'd need and say, all right, here's how you do it. And then they'd let me work. And so the amount of trust they just kind of put in me. This new guy on the job definitely helped, I think, in that transition period, because it helped give some sort of validation where my internal validation was again, coming back to this external and internal motivation and validation. At this point, my internal is struggling. It's taken a hit because I just came home. I feel like I've quit. I feel like I'm a failure. On top of that, the weekend I got home, I got home on a Friday, and that. Monday, they had sent the first missionaries to Spain. So that was just like, another major blow of, okay, I could have been in Spain, could have been in Pennsylvania, but now I'm at home. So this is like, two plans now that have not gone through to fruition.
Lacey Jones
Oh, my gosh. I didn't know that part of the puzzle. Okay, so we're dealing with a little bit more. I told you as we were talking earlier, the layers of change just kept layering on. So you had mentioned the disappointment, confusion, and frustration. At what point, and has it changed to anything else? Because you were released a couple of weeks ago. Right. When were you released?
Braxton Zirker
Yes. Two weeks ago.
Lacey Jones
Two weeks ago. Okay. So it's been about six and a half months, if I'm doing my math correctly, since you chose to come home. And at that point, it was disappointment, confusion, frustration. So six and a half months have passed. Are those still the same emotions? Do those show up? Or were you dealing with different emotions at this point?
Braxton Zirker
Yeah, so I get home, and I'm trying to make this adjustment, and for a while I'm able to stabilize. I feel like, okay, I'm getting into a routine. And then there were just a couple of offhanded comments, just different things, different experiences that happened, and I tanked even lower, I would say. So I've gone up a little bit, and now I'm thinking even lower than I was, than before I came home when I was still in Pennsylvania. So now I'm really struggling. Those emotions of disappointment, frustration, confusion, they're now accompanied with a lot of anger and resentment, and those really start to take over. It comes down to a point where I am about ready to just pull the plug on everything. I come to the point where it's like, I can't get much lower than this. So if I quit now, what's? The worst that will happen? Was basically the mentality that I had.
Lacey Jones
Okay.
Braxton Zirker
I just felt, like, completely hopeless abandoned, just in this really dark place where it was just, I need to figure out how to get out of this. But in my circumstances, I don't feel like I can. So I need to just quit, pull the plug, start over, and try and figure out a way to climb out of this pit that I'm in right now.
Lacey Jones
So Braxton, what happened? We're all, inquiring minds want to know what happened.
Braxton Zirker
And so that's what I did. I just waited for the opportunity, and I talked to my dad about it, and I said, you know what, dad? I'm done. This isn't something I want to keep doing. This is not making me happy. I'm not happy. I'm not comfortable. I'm miserable. I'm just looking for a way to find happiness, and I think this is how I need to do it. And so I can remember we're sitting in the car. We're driving home from we're doing some car repair. So we were driving home from the auto zone or something. I've laid out this whole situation for him, saying, here's where I'm at. I'm ready to pull the plug. I don't want to do this anymore. And he looks at me and he goes, do you want me to just listen to what you have to say, or do you want me to give you advice? And at that point, I told him, I just want you to listen, okay? I'd made up my mind. I didn't want him to try and convince me out of it. I just wanted him to know so he didn't find out another way. I wanted to tell him, be straight with him, but I wanted to be done.
Lacey Jones
Okay.
Braxton Zirker
I told him that. And then the next day, I had a meeting with how. I had leaders in Pennsylvania. I also had leaders that were over my service mission, and so I went and talked with them. He was pretty taken aback by it. He almost blindsided him a little bit. We talked through it, talked through our different options, and he says, can you give me a week? Can we try this for one more week? We'll make it work. We'll see what we can do. I kind of agree. I'm not very happy about it, but I figure, I've made it this far. I can do one more week. I can suffer through if I need to. That week we stay in contact. He starts to involve me. He's one of the leaders of our congregation. He's a state president, so he manages multiple congregations in a geographical area. He has me accompanying him to several of these congregations he's making visits to, okay. And so he starts to involve me in this. As we're going through this process and we meet again the next week, he says, all right, give me one more week. I'm like, oh, fine. How long is this going to go? And I remember walking out of the office, and I'm like, okay, this is the last week I made up my mind. I'm like, I don't care what he says. Next time we meet, this is the last week. And so he still has me keep shadowing him around, and he's really doing a lot to involve me. It was that external validation and motivation that I needed to see that he valued me, he needed and wanted me, and ultimately, he loved me. And that was something that I kind of been missing out on. And so just being able to get all of that from him as a mentor made a big impact in my life. So this is around the time, a couple of months back, I made a decision. I want to do something big. And there's a lot that went into it. But ultimately, I decided that around the day I was going to run a 53 miles race, the time had come. I went to a congregation with him on that Sunday. And then the following Monday, I did this 53 miles race. I just kind of set it up for myself, and I went for it, and so that gave me pause here.
Lacey Jones
For those who may not be catching the details, a 53, 53 miles race. And this was in one day, right. And why 53?
Braxton Zirker
Yeah, so there's a lot that went into it. So it was a couple of months back, I decided, hey, I've run a couple of marathons. I want to do something bigger. So I was like, okay, I'll do a double marathon, which would be, like, 52.4. And then I was thinking about it, the way my scheduling worked, and the only day I could find to do it with the way my service obligations were working was on Labor Day, and the date of Labor Day ended up being 530. So I just rounded up the 52.4 to 53. So I ran 53 miles on 530.
Lacey Jones
Basically, what physical training had you had up to this point?
Braxton Zirker
I'd ran a couple of marathons before that. Running was something that I used to maintain some of my sanity since I had been home, and so I use that as my training.
Lacey Jones
So what you're saying is very sparse training.
Braxton Zirker
Very sparse, yes. It's extremely sparse.
Lacey Jones
Yes. Okay. So you run this marathon. This was at the end of May. I just thought you were crazy when you first told us that. I'll just tell you my thoughts about the situation, but this is you, right? You love doing kind of these ultra experiences that require mindset management, because I would be, like, half a mile into it. If that be like, no, peace out. We're not doing 52 and a half more miles. So you do the race, and it was awesome to watch through the family text chain and WhatsApp, right. To see that happen. Where does that leave you, time frame wise, for the rest of your mission? And decision wise, how you're feeling for the rest of your mission?
Braxton Zirker
Right? So this is about two weeks after I'd gone to my state president and said, hey, I want out. I had, at that point, about three months left. So I'd been home for about three months. It's, like, kind of this middle period. So combined with starting to feel all of this motivation and this validation from my state president, he's helping me feel like I'm needed and I'm wanted. I then go out, and I do this race, which is something that was extremely internally motivated. I came up with it on my own. This is something I wanted to do. This isn't anyone putting the idea into my head or saying, hey, you need to do this. This is something I wanted to do. So it took me about 11 hours to run those 53 miles, and that was a lot of time for me to just spend in my own head just kind of dissecting the last couple of months how I was feeling. I ultimately decided, I am not a quitter. Going back to that Navy Seals thing and this is something that I can do. It seems impossible, but I imagined myself on the other side having finished successfully and how amazing that was going to feel versus, yes, I'm uncomfortable now. Yes, I'm not happy now, but if I quit, that's going to be something that I'll probably end up regretting for the rest of my life. And so it was that, coupled with this mentorship and this support of this fake President, that ultimately led me to decide, okay, I need to finish this thing out. This is something I need to see through to the end.
Lacey Jones
Okay. So you can see how your thought process is starting to change and go back to the thoughts that you know and that bring you comfort is, I'm not a quitter. Right. I can do this. I loved how you said that you can imagine yourself on the other side of the accomplishment, envisioning yourself there and how you would feel. That's actually one of the techniques we use when coaching someone to a goal that they do want to achieve is how are you going to feel on the other side of this goal? Let's access yourself from that point, make decisions from that point rather than over here in the mud and the muck. And then one point that I really loved is that you pointed out your mentor, the State President was the mentor, and you mentioned he loved you. Right. He loved you, I would imagine with a Christlike love through that process. So one of the reasons we really wanted to highlight your story was this is a young adult who has experienced a lot of change in plans, whether it was external or internal. COVID kind of threw us a little bit for a loop and changed the way that we did a lot of things. And for my listeners, they are going to be the ones who are supporting youth during changes. I don't imagine that life is all going to be hunky dory moving forward. Right. I think we've all learned, just wait, something else will come up. Something else will ask us to change our plans. And so you now have someone who's acted as a mentor. So moving forward and kind of that big. Now, what question and let's start with what advice would you give to a mentor or a parent who's helping someone go through some of the experiences that you've gone through where you've had to change plans? What advice would you give that mentor or parent?
Braxton Zirker
Right. Yeah. Real quick, if I might add, making that point of I'm not going to quit was a big obstacle to get over.
Lacey Jones
Okay.
Braxton Zirker
But I still feel like I still had to make the choice. And I found out that happiness is a choice. It's not something that comes because of your circumstances.
Lacey Jones
Have you been listening to the podcast? Have you been listening? My gosh, thank you for cementing that point right there. Right? Happiness isn't created by our circumstances. We can choose it and create it with our thought process. Sorry, I had to jump in there. I got a little excited. Okay. Back to you, Braxton.
Braxton Zirker
No, yeah, I love that idea because before this, I figured, okay, I'm going to quit. That's going to allow me to be happy. But what ended up happening was I didn't quit and I chose to be happy. I figured, okay, I have three more months of this. I can either be miserable for the next three months, or I can say, I'm going to make the best of this three months. And so I decided to do just that. And those were undoubtedly the three happiest moments of my entire mission, if not my entire life. It was just incredible just being able to rebound from that and just be able to realize that, okay, these circumstances are not going to define me or my attitude or my feelings and emotions. This is something that is all internal. And that was also the moment when I decided, okay, this is something I want to do. For me, it wasn't an expectation of anyone else. This was, okay, this is a decision that I want to make.
Lacey Jones
Oh, my gosh. Can we make a movie? Like, sign the deal right now. Make a movie, write a book. Like, you've learned the big life lesson. Right. It's up to you. Other people can influence, they can have a say, but it's up to you to make that choice. Oh, my gosh. Okay, people, hit rewind. Go back 60 seconds and listen to what Braxton just said. Once again, I love that. Okay, so I so rudely interrupted you there. I got a little excited. Okay, we covered the lesson. Are we ready to move on to how mentors and parents can help? Or were there more lessons to be learned from this point?
Braxton Zirker
I am a believer in there's always lessons to be learned. So we could be here all night going over the lessons that I learned in the last three months. No. Yeah, we can definitely jump into how mentors and parents, friends, siblings can support those who may be experiencing difficult times. Yeah, we can definitely jump into that, though.
Lacey Jones
Okay, so let's jump in. Go over mentors and the adults in your life and parents, and how can they be of a support to you?
Braxton Zirker
The first thing I can think of before I left, I got very frustrated with some people. I remember my sister, she would say, like, oh, can you wake me up before you leave for school or something? And I can remember snapping back at her like, I'm not your alarm clock. You can wake yourself up. Take responsibility. I think there's a fine balance between having someone take responsibility and then taking responsibility for them. So I'm not going to wake her up, but I'm also not going to go in there and set her alarm clock for her. But I'm going to say, okay, hey, you can set your alarm clock. Let's make sure we figure out how to make sure that it's going to go off at the proper time. We'll set it, make sure it all works, and then you'll be good to go. So there's kind of a difference there. And that was something I come to learn, is you can't force someone to do something because everyone has the ability to choose.
Lacey Jones
Yeah.
Braxton Zirker
That being said, that means you have the ability to choose how you act and how you react to situations around you. And so a great example of this is when I told my dad, hey, I want to be done. I'm pulling the plug on this, he could have very easily have he could have snapped. He could have been frustrated. There was a million different ways that conversation could have gone, but he chose to say to take a step back. He kind of removed himself from that situation. And instead of just going with maybe what was comfortable for him of offering advice like he had done in the past, I think a lot of times we're fixers we hear a problem, and immediately we want to offer a solution. But he was able to have that mental space to say, okay, do you want me to offer a solution based on my perspective and my viewpoint, or do you want me to just listen? Because sometimes we just need people to listen, and we're able to work things out that way just by telling another person. And so that was a huge step. First of all was just saying, hey, do you want me to listen? And he said it exactly that way. I've got advice. Do you want to hear it, or do you want me to just listen? And then that was my choice of, okay, do I want to hear what he has to say? Do I want to hear his opinion, or do I just want him to listen? He just listened that night. But going back a couple of days ago, we had a conversation, and he went know, here's what I was feeling going back, and this is my side of the story. So it was interesting to then go back once we were over this obstacle to see, oh, here's maybe what he would have said.
Lacey Jones
And that's what I'm sitting here and I'm like, okay, note to self I need to interview Kevin on the next episode of the podcast and say, what is your perspective and how did you manage your emotions, your thought process, your story so that you could guide? Because that's kind of my big thing know, as parents, we can guide. We don't want to necessarily drag our kids along right we want to guide. And so I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's a whole nother episode of Kevin's perspective, your dad's perspective, right?
Braxton Zirker
Yeah. So that was a huge first thing, and that's something my mom's really good at as well know, you can just kind of walk up to her. Maybe she's baking dinner in the kitchen or something. You just kind of start talking to her. And I always bounce ideas off of her because she kind of gives you the yes, that kind of just nods and goes along, but you talk things out with her, so she's very good to bounce ideas off of. And so I did that with her, too. And so it was great just to have and I knew I had their support. They weren't judging me. They weren't saying, oh, I can't believe you would even consider that after all you've done. There wasn't any of that. It was all, okay. This is a decision that you are making. You are grown up. You have your own set of experiences. They also realized they didn't know the complete story of everything that was happening mentally outside of the house. There's a whole perspective of things that they didn't know or understand, but there was a lot of communication that was key. My dad, he asked me, he's like, okay, explain why you said this, or explain why you feel this way to help see the whole picture. Because a lot of times, it's very easy for us to become biased based on our perception of an event. So he tried to see the different sides of the story from my mom's point of view, from his point of view, from my side of view. And so doing that, he was able to kind of see different parts of the picture, whereas normally, he might just see his narrow slice of the pie instead of multiple pieces.
Lacey Jones
Perspective is key. Right. We don't know the other person's perspective unless we ask. We can make assumptions, but we got to ask what's going on, right? Because we might put the pieces together a little bit differently based off of our own life experiences. All right, so you've got this beautiful, I think, example of how the mentors and your parents have helped you, but now what? Now what for you? How will you use these experiences moving forward so that it is to your benefit and not your detriment?
Braxton Zirker
Right. That was something that was crucial during those last three months. Once I finally made that decision, this is something I want to do. I was able to continue accompanying that state president around to these different congregations, and he started having me talk with the youth that were attending or some of the parents and just shared little segments of this story and bits and pieces of things that I've learned. Just allowing me to be able to share that in such a way has helped me to process it and figure out, oh, this is why this happened, or this is how this connects to the story. Whereas if I had just tried to process all of that mentally, internally, a lot of the pieces would have slipped through the cracks or gotten lost. But every time that I spoke in front of one of these groups of people, I learned something new about this experience that I had. And so it was just, again, kind of like how when I would go to my mom and talk with her and just kind of bounce ideas off of her, it was a similar process where I'm going with this group of people and I could say, okay, what is going to relate with them? How can I relate this story, my experiences, and tell them in a way that's going to motivate and encourage other people? And so that's been a huge challenge, but it's an exciting puzzle to solve, trying to figure out how can I almost leverage this to help other people that are going through something similar.
Lacey Jones
Amen to all of the above, right? I've seen others experience this. And so I'm 40 years old, and through my lifetime, I've seen different stigmas attached to elders as they've come home early, not making it to the full time frame that they were called for. I like the direction we're heading. Right. I think there's a softer approach, and hopefully we're a little more graceful with the stigma and the thoughts and the judgment that we offer to our missionaries and young adults when these plans change, because I think we can take this experience. And it doesn't have to be a mission experience. It can be when plans change in a college degree, in a relationship, choices that kids make in high school, out of high school, anytime a choice is made. And I think that as we work towards this, it can only benefit each other. As you share experiences and what you've learned, hopefully there's a mom who's listening today whose child may be experiencing a change of plans. Doesn't have to be a mission, but some sort of change in plans. And if they're going through the mud and the muck, hopefully this experience that you've shared has given a different perspective on how that mother can then guide her child through the mud and the murky waters of making that transition. What was a quote that I wrote down that you said at the beginning? You talked about a transition needed to be made.
Braxton Zirker
Right.
Lacey Jones
And then that was, I think, when I wrote it down, you were referencing having to you talked about moving from Colorado to Idaho and then deciding in middle school to do the homeschool thing and how those transitions needed to be made and they weren't necessarily pretty, but something had to happen. And so I hope that by sharing your story, I love how you mentioned each time you share it, a little more of the puzzle gets put together for you. And so I hope that that can bring peace and comfort to someone else as they either go through a transition where they may feel kind of on the outskirts of the typical and the norm, or if they're a mentor or a parent guiding a child through that experience. So is there anything else as we close this fun little interview and sharing, is there anything else that you wanted to add to it?
Braxton Zirker
I would just say I wholeheartedly agree with what you've said and what you've talked about on this podcast in the previous episodes as well. And just being able to have control of your emotions and your actions and balance those expectations that you have for experiences and also other people and relationships in your life as you find a way to balance and manage those, that's ultimately what brings that happiness. And you find that you're less and less controlled by other people and what happens to you and instead are happy in spite of those things. I never really understood it until up until up until recently, where they say happiness, it doesn't depend on your situation, the circumstances you're in. It really is a choice. And once you are able to find that, it totally changes your outlook on life. So just being able to do that is super awesome.
Lacey Jones
Cool. Amen. So you're moving on to the next chapter. You've just landed in your new apartment to start up at BYU, and so we wish you luck in that. And then I think that we need to get your parents on the podcast and get their side and their perspective of the story. So I may have to pull a few strings to see if I can make that happen with Kevin and Lisa. But I wanted to thank you for joining today and then for my listeners. If you are experiencing some of what Braxton had talked about today, or your child or someone, a youth in your life has let us know how that experience has gone for you and the tools that you used or if you need help with that transition, reach out. I'm happy to work with you. I do love working with young adults and moms as you make that transition. So thank you, Braxton, for joining us and everyone else. We're going to catch you next week.
