Ep. 53 The Power of Silence with Stephanie Anderson

I'm Lacey Jones with Elevate the Individual Episode 53, The Power of Silence with Stephanie Anderson. Welcome to another fun week on the podcast. I have been so excited to share this conversation with you. Stephanie Anderson has a depth to her. She has had experiences, she's learned from those experiences, she's gained new tools, and the conversations that she and I have had over the last coming weeks have just been so enlightening for me and uplifting and she gets it, and so I wanted to share some of her insights and her depth with you today. Now you might notice as we talk that the sound quality is a little bit different. We recorded this on a day that was a day the computer got a virus. The AirPods stopped working in the middle of the conversation. But the show must go on and it's an important conversation and I find that there was a true depth to it. So it is what it is Find something to do while you listen, maybe do some laundry, some dishes, relax, take a walk, whatever you find the most relaxing for you, and I hope that you enjoy and feel free to share with those around you if you find a little nugget in there of gold that you thoroughly learn from and love. And thank you again to Stephanie for this conversation and we'll hop right in. Why don't you just tell us about who you are and as much detail as you want to share about you, your family, your hobbies, your interests, all of those.

So I have a husband. We met in high school and dated for a little while, kind of an off and on thing, and then ended up getting married. We have two children.

I have a five year old and.

A three year old currently, and they are so much fun. We just finished a potty training stage.

For both of them.

For both of them.

That's huge.

I know. So we're out of diapers.

We're potentially going to have some more children.

That's kind of a thought that we'll probably have. So I'll meet the potty training stage again, but for now, we're done with diapers. I went to school to be a math teacher, a middle school math teacher, and I did that for a couple.

Of years before having children, so that was really fun.

I loved doing that. I was a volleyball coach, and that was so much fun. Probably one of my favorite things I've ever done. My favorite age was to coach eigth.

Grade, and it was just the best.

Experience, and I'll probably go back and.

Do that again someday.

Some interesting facts or anything about myself. I would say volleyball is a huge part of my life. That's where I find a large part of my community is through volleyball. I play pickup at least twice a.

Week, and I could play all day, every day, anywhere.

In the sand, in the grass, in a court, anywhere. I would play all the time.

It's just like a huge part about who I am.

So wait, did you play volleyball growing.

Up or when did that love start?

It's actually kind of crazy because I.

Started playing volleyball seriously in 10th grade.

It was like I kind of tried it in middle school, and I was really bad, actually.

It was okay, wasn't my favorite thing.

I was mostly a soccer player, and.

Then everyone was getting very technical in.

Their play with soccer because they had been through clubs, and I didn't join any clubs, and so I just was fast and just kind of rode on that speed until the technicality of soccer actually started to make a difference. And so then I noticed that it was kind of getting frustrating, the level of play that I couldn't keep up with. And so I tried volleyball in 10th grade and loved it, and I played through high school, and then I actually got to play in college, which was really fun. I played at Green River Community College, so it wasn't like a D one four year school or anything like that.

But you still played in college.

Let's own that.

It was so cool. It was such a cool experience. And I think in college is when I really developed a love for it.

And I graduated college and kind of.

Had this weird mini identity. Crisis of volleyball has been a huge part of my life and just sports in general. And after graduating, you don't have organized sports unless you join something like that yourself.

So then I kind of had a.

Hard time with that. But I found some friends that were feeling similarly through college. They were my college volleyball buddies, and.

We started a league together, and so.

We'Ve been playing in a league ever since. So I've been playing in a league probably nine or ten years, something like that. Keep that going. Yeah.

So it's been really fun. I love it.

So you also mentioned in there which I need to draw and highlight this fact.

You're a middle school math teacher now.

I've been in a school system as.

A teacher, and I run from middle schoolers.

But you personally love middle schoolers. I love math, so I'm all over that, but the middle school age is a challenge for me. So what drew you to middle school?

I love teaching just in general, but.

I had a really rough time in middle school myself. It was probably the three worst years that I can point out in my public schooling. Like, hands down, no competition, the absolute worst three years.

And it just felt so lonely.

It felt confusing. It felt like I didn't really know who I was anymore. And kids were starting to get mean. And the connections that I had with people now, looking back, were not the healthiest of connections, but I had them because you just kind of cling to any connection that you have at that age.

And so I had such a hard.

Time, and I figured, as I was.

Considering pursuing teaching, that if I could.

Make the biggest impact, I felt that the hardest years that kids could go through was probably the middle school age. And so that's where I wanted to.

See if I could enjoy that age group.

I wanted to try it out.

And so I spent a very small.

Amount of time in a classroom deciding.

If this is what I wanted to do.

And I loved the age group. I feel like my sarcasm and humor kind of fit in with the 1314.

Year olds or so, and it was.

Just so much fun. Drawing from my coaching experience, I felt.

That I could be disciplined in the.

Classroom to where I could take charge.

With that particular age, because they can.

Start to push those boundaries quite a bit. And I felt that I could handle that age of boundary pushing while also having so much fun with it, because I knew that if I was going to make an impact, I had to actually enjoy it.

And so I wanted to find an.

Age group that I could actually enjoy, and that's where I landed. So I love the age group. I think they're awesome and adorable. It's so fun working with them and.

It was the hardest three years of.

My life, and so it felt kind of special to connect with that age group in particular. One of the things that has been a recent thing for me that I've been able to pinpoint, but I think.

It'S been true my whole career, or.

I guess my whole adult life post.

College is I really feel like every.

Kid needs somebody to be a positive advocate for them. Because this is a time where kids will make a lot of mistakes that.

I don't think they mean to make.

But for just a lot of reasons. Like peer pressure, feeling like they don't belong, feeling like they don't have a support system, and just not realizing what their behavior might actually create. I think every kid needs an adult that can see through some of those walls, that they might put up some of the behaviors that they use to mask who they really are, an adult that can see through some of those things and see their value and what they can bring.

And if they can have an adult that can laugh with them and joke.

With them, even though sometimes they have made poor decisions previously, that they can.

Say, oh, my goodness, this adult can.

Still see that I'm worth something, or.

They still see that I can have.

Value, even though I realize that I made a mistake. And I know they realize that I made a mistake, but they're still here with me.

I think every kid needs somebody, especially.

Those that might not have one in their home.

They need an adult that can just.

Be an advocate for them or really just to love them and make them feel like they're welcome and that they're awesome and that even though you might have been struggling a little bit, that.

You can move on and do great.

Things, and that you still have so much life ahead of you.

And so I think that's been one.

Of my big things that I've started to realize recently.

And I love that because I feel.

Like in order to truly love this age group, like I have a 13 year old right now that sometimes challenges me. It's a very nice way of putting that. And I think that in order to advocate for that child, you have to clean up the thoughts about yourself and the self love that you need in.

Order to experience those years with these.

Kids and not take it so personally. You kind of have to clean yourself up first. If you're going to be an advocate.

And have a true, genuine love for.

This age group, you've got to do some of the work yourself.

So much agree. Yeah.

I remember I was actually teaching a.

Lesson and a child had an outburst.

And had said something that was off topic. It wasn't related. The reason the child said it is to see if they could get me.

Off my game, see if they could.

Make their kids laugh. They wanted some kind of attention.

I don't think it was malicious.

Like they were really trying to make my day hard. I think they were just trying to be a little bit of an attention seeker. Actually, once the outburst had happened, I took it, kind of giggled and laughed, and then turned it in a way that it actually applied to the lesson.

And then made that child respond to.

A question that had to do with his outburst that I now had changed to the topic. And so now he had to be involved.

And he kind of sat there.

I can maybe took a breath and kind of said a couple of words.

That were actually really good, and it.

Forced him to kind of come back.

And then we moved on.

And an adult had approached me and.

Said, I thought that was so disrespectful.

I thought that was so awful, and kind of listed some things that it really frustrated them.

And I kind of laughed and said.

Yeah, well, I think this age group doesn't really mean to make you feel like you're not a good teacher. They don't want to make you feel that way. But sometimes when you do have those lessons with that age group in particular.

Completely agreeing with your comment, that it.

Can make you feel insecure, it can make you feel, oh, no, I don't know what I'm talking about. Or they can see through me, they can see through that I'm putting up a facade, or they don't believe that.

I know what I'm talking about, or.

They don't think that I should be here. And so totally agreeing that if you are solid in where you're at and what you're doing and realizing that their behavior is their own behavior, and it almost always has nothing to do with you as a person, it almost always has everything to do with them and where they're going on in life. And if you can make that separation.

Then I feel like it removes so many of the barriers with that age group.

Yes, and let's expand it to life, not just that age group, because really you're describing emotional independence when you can go through life and experience a set of circumstances which could be things that people say, things that people do, and you can stand there within those circumstances and have it so that it doesn't impact you negatively.

That's like an emotional independence right there.

So that your whole emotional state isn't depending on the actions, the words, the choices of others. Like, I'll be happy if you do this, or I'm going to be sad if you do this.

Well, in reality, if you do that.

I can choose to be happy or sad. I can decide my emotional state and.

How I want to respond to you.

And to your choices and your actions and your words.

And so, yeah, take that a step further.

Middle school 8th graders are going to give you plenty of practice at this emotional independence and trying to throw you off your game and trying to change your emotional state so that you'll I'm sure there are actually some kids out there who want to see you cry. I've been a substitute teacher. They want to see you cry.

And so as you develop this emotional maturity and this emotional independence to go back to what we're saying and draw.

That all together, you clean yourself up. Then you can share that, like you said, you were able to turn the lesson. You were able to then include this.

Child and have him formulate some sort of input that was positive and contributed.

To the lesson and helped him think what an amazing, really example that you gave that child about. Yeah, someone might say something to try.

To throw you off your game, but.

It doesn't mean we have to freak out and slam that other person. We can include them and help build them up. So that's beautiful.

You can really translate that into a.

Lot of situations and social situations as well. So my question for you is with.

All of this, is there been a.

Point where you're like, hey, I need.

To up my mental health game.

Or have you had an interest in mental health and wellness and well being? Has it just been natural?

Kind of.

Where did you dive into learning more about mental health and focusing on that?

Yeah, I would say a little bit.

Of it is I'm just a naturally curious person. I like to learn things. I think it's fun and interesting to see how things work. But personally, my mental health journey really stems, I think, from two places. The first is within my family, my immediate family and some extended family. We have several cases of depression and anxiety where several of us have struggled of how to manage that in our life. Okay, so I do have a predisposition.

To have a difficult time centering myself.

Not falling too deep into a depression or maybe get too high strung into some anxiety.

So that has had, at least when.

I was a teenager, been a really.

Big issue for me to figure out. And the second thing that I have read lots about since moving out of my parents house, since being married, is.

I had some needs as a child that I didn't feel like were met. But these were also needs that my parents didn't realize that I had that.

Even needed to be met. Okay? So as an adult, looking back, my parents did an incredible job raising us.

They gave us vacations. We were always clothed, we always had food, we always did fun things. We did vacations and camping.

And we always had really awesome things to do.

And they always supported us in whatever sports or whatever extracurriculars we did. They supported us in school, very supportive parents.

But for me, there was some emotional needs that I didn't feel like were.

Met by my parents. That I actually have come to find.

Out that a very large percentage of.

People feel a similar way, that they had things that just that weren't met for them in their childhood. And for me, I did have the responsibility to speak up, to say that I needed these met.

But as a kid, I didn't really.

Know the tools right. I couldn't articulate it. I didn't really understand what the problem was. And so there's really no way my parents would have just seen through my mind to understand that. So leaving the house, I had a.

Lot of wounds that I needed to.

Figure out and I did have this anxiety depression battle. And so I kind of had a.

Lot of emotion tangled up inside that made it difficult for me to feel.

Like a healthy, functioning adult. I mean, I was functioning. I was going to school.

I was okay. It just felt like it felt like.

It could be better. It felt like there were things I needed to handle and things I need to work through, but I didn't really know how to do it. And so that started this curiosity with mental health where I did lots of research. It started really just with Google. And I would read lots of information about anxiety, lots of information about mental health, and just try to pull from any tools that I could find. But recently there has been a larger social media presence for health professionals, for mental health professionals. And that has been a huge game changer for me in following psychologists and therapists and them giving just ideas like, here is an idea of how you could think through this scenario, or do you feel like you do have some childhood wounds? Let's flip it this way and think about it a different way.

And so in following those social media therapists, I guess, and doing some research on my own, I think that's where.

This mental health journey began and has continued.

Oh, I love it.

And the fact that you're able to say, okay, my family, my parents growing up, that was all beautiful.

The parents did the best they did.

And not pinpointing and saying, parents, why didn't you do this, why didn't you do that?

We're all, I think, as parents, doing.

The best that we can with the tools that we ourselves have. And so, yeah, there are going to be things as we launch into adulthood.

That maybe weren't addressed as we were children. And guess what?

Life doesn't stop at 18.

Yeah.

I'm just going to offer a thought and maybe it's true, maybe it's.

Not, but maybe you needed to get.

To this place where you are now so that you could more fully address.

And learn and dig into to have.

The greater impact on your life. Am I adventure say your life happened, how it needed to happen so that you could get to this point and dig in and see where you needed to personally grow in certain areas and reach out for different resources. And then another thing you mentioned was the social media aspect of it.

And so it's interesting, I've been thinking.

About the magazine and different themes for the different months coming up and one of them is our social influence. And using our influence for good and social media can get a bad rap. The scrolling and all that can get a bad rap. Well, let's look at it as 50 50. If 50% of it is a waste of time, the other 50% of it is actually good. It can be used. And it's, I think, up to us of how we use that tool.

Just like any other tools, how are.

We going to use this tool?

And so I love that through that.

Social media use and presence and different people, you've been able to find the.

Tools and the help that you need.

To then go on to this next chapter of your life where you're like.

Okay, I need to learn.

I need to grow. I need to develop in this area and strengthen myself in this area.

So it's pretty powerful because you're helping.

To clean up yourself. I don't know if cleanup is even right word, I keep using it. But you're helping to develop yourself in a certain area so that you can turn and guide your own children, your own family, the middle schoolers. Another piece to this puzzle of how we got to know each other a little bit more is this recent track.

Experience where we're with youth, right?

So you have an assignment through our.

Church to work with the youth.

And so I want you to kind of dig into that and what your assignment is because that's going to lead.

To something else that we want to.

Talk about and kind of a talk or presentation that you gave for this youth group.

So if you want to start there, your assignment, I guess you could say.

For those who aren't familiar with it, is what?

So the technical term is I am the stake. Young Women's Second counselor.

And how it is organized in our.

Church is there are Wards and Stakes Award is very similar to a school, like any school that you might attend.

And a stake is very similar to like a district.

So if you are in a school district, it's made up of lots of.

Different little or smaller schools.

And so in my assignment here is I work with the stake, which is like a district level, and I work with all of the kids that are parts of all these different churches that are combined together within this geographical boundary. And so one of the things that I do, there's two purposes for my assignment.

One of the things is to help.

The adult leaders to give them support.

And give them what they need to.

Then help the youth that are in.

Their wards and to plan and put.

Together these activities for the youth to help strengthen them in various ways. And Trek was one of those experiences that I helped to plan and to.

Prepare and put on for the youth. That's kind of what my assignment is. Yes. Okay.

So Trek is this crazy experience where we go out in the middle of nowhere, and we have these kids all working together that they know some people, they don't know other people. They're assigned to families. My husband and I went we were considered a ma and a PA for a family. And we had eleven kids in our group, six boys and five girls. And over the course of three and a half days, we had to work and push this hand cart. It's kind of a reflection on the past of what previous generations have experienced in our church and to establish their testimony, establish the physical aspect of establishing the know, moving their whole life across the country to the Salt Lake Valley. So it's kind of a reenactment in that.

And I think the purpose there's a.

Couple purposes behind it, right. And some of the things we do.

Are somewhat, I think, extreme or out.

Of the ordinary, and it's a little bit like, oh, my gosh, what are you asking us to do? But you kind of have to set.

The stage for learning and growth, and.

So you've got to do something that's a little bit extreme. So for Trek, three and a half days, we went to southern Central Washington. Hotter than hot, like 100 degrees each day. And we're asking these kids to come in pioneer clothing. We're asking them to push a hand cart with their belongings. Their belongings are in a five gallon bucket. That's everything they need, minus some food and sleeping bag and pad and pillow and stuff. But for the most part, they've got.

The very basics with them, and they're.

Not supposed to bring their cell phones. We did have a couple who decided to try that, and some, I'm sure more cell phones were there than we knew about. But we did end up taking some.

Cell phones away and asking the youth.

To really leave technology behind and those connections behind and really immersing themselves in the experience.

Now, the experience, the piece of the.

Puzzle that I love is that they are away. So we're 4 hours away, three and a half hours away from home. They are in families and groups of people. They have their buddy, but they might know some other kids. They might not know other kids. We were familiar with some of the kids in our group. Some of them we were not.

And really out in the elements.

We were all on level playing field and dressing in pioneer clothing because it was uncomfortable to, I think all of us I don't tend to run around in dress in an apron, right, in a bonnet. But I think we had to have such extremes to immerse ourselves and to also feel comfortable, like, hey, there's 150 people here doing this experience. I'm not the only one who's dressed like this, who's doing this activity, who's out in the heat, suffering from the elements and doing something that physically is challenging. And I think to fully immerse ourselves.

We have to have those variables changed.

And so that's where you and I kind of got to know each other real closely in some of that. So just to give our listeners an idea, stephanie's role or I guess one of your roles and assignments over the course of the days you packed around.

I don't know how you did this.

But you packed around this water sprayer that had to have weighed at least 40 pounds.

Do you know how much it weighed?

No, we guessed between 35, 40. We never actually weighed it, but something.

Around that, when it was full, it was about that.

Okay. Which means it was really, like, closer to 50 pounds. How many gallons of water was it?

Four gallons.

So you've got all this water. It's like a commercial sprayer, right? But it's filled with water. And the whole purpose was to hose these kids down as they're in the heat, in the dust and dirt. I know in our group, there were several individuals where I'm like, just spray.

That child down, and they need to.

Be cooled off, and myself as well. And so you're going in between the different families, running up and down the hills with this sprayer on your back, and just the physical challenge of that is amazing. And so you really start to bond when you're in the heat doing crazy things. And I had loved some of our conversations throughout that experience. And towards the end of it, you.

Were asked to share your thoughts, to.

Kind of prepare these kids for what we call solo time, where we've finished Trek, we're not necessarily in the open air anymore. We've reached our place of quote unquote comfort, where there's green grass, there's trees, there's shade, there's still heat, but it's a little more comfortable. And at this point on the last day, they are given an opportunity to.

Go sit for solo time, and they're.

Handed letters from their parents or their adults in their life and to reflect on scripture and just to think. And so I wanted to dig into.

What you shared with them before that experience and kind of why you chose to go the route that you did with that. So I'll let you kind of go into that.

Yeah. This solo time that we wanted to.

Give to the kids was definitely intentional. And what I wanted to do for the kids when I spoke to them is I wanted to frame them around.

What they just did, and then how.

To make what they just did as effective and useful in their lives as possible. So not to just do something hard for the sake of doing something hard.

But how can we grow?

How can we reflect on this? How can we change as a person because of the hard thing that you just went through.

And this very much is indicative of.

What life can be. You will go through lots of hard things in life.

And so I think we wanted to give them a safe, hard thing that we manufactured, to kind of give them.

An example of a hard thing they could go through in life and an example of what you could do after this hard thing. So when I spoke to the kids, I made sure that they knew that they did it. First of all, you did something that was extremely difficult. It was 13 to 15 miles, by the way, and it was lots of uphill in sand. So it wasn't just a paved road that you pulled this 300 pound hand card on, it was deep sand that would get stuck, and you're going uphills 13 to 15 miles across these three.

Days in 100 degree heat for kids.

Who live in the Pacific Northwest without much exposure to heat. So while I spoke to the kids, I wanted to make sure that they knew that they did it. So if they could ever look back.

On their life, can they actually do hard things?

Will you at least did this with us? So I know you at least did one hard thing.

And then we talked about how when.

You go through something hard, to make.

It the most effective in your life.

And to make it really meaningful is.

To go through a reflection period, which.

Was what we told them you were about to have, is this reflection period. And I wanted to give them some.

Tools and some encouragement and some ideas of how this reflection time could look.

And one of the things that I.

Had encouraged them to do is to.

Try to just sit in your thoughts. Now, this is something that I just.

Probably in the past three or so.

Years, have learned about. So I'm 30 years old, so maybe late twenty s, and until about now.

Have I really learned how to sit in my thoughts.

And I was guessing that these teenagers.

Probably haven't had much experience sitting in.

The quiet and sitting in their thoughts.

And it can be quite overwhelming to.

Sit in your thoughts and to potentially have negative emotions come over you and to think, oh no, I'm starting to.

Panic, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable or nervous. What do I do about this?

So an example that I had gave during this talk was actually something that.

I learned from following a social media therapist. It was a video that this social.

Media therapist had created his.

Name is Matthias J. Barker, and he.

Created this video as an example of.

How to work through some hard things.

That you might be going through in life. And what he describes is to have.

You either sitting maybe in a mall.

Or sitting on a bench at a park, or sitting in your car, maybe in a parking lot, watching other cars drive by or watching other people walk by you. Depending on where you set this scene.

Up for yourself, they're either watching people.

Or cars just drive by back and.

Forth and realizing that you are not.

Those people and you are not those cars, and you're just observing what's going on.

And he related that experience to one.

Way that we can sit in our thoughts is to sit there and just let the thoughts go back and forth. You might have a thought you feel uncomfortable with. Try hard not to control that thought. Just let the thought continue going, see where it goes. You might have a thought that you.

Like, just keep letting that one go, but trying to just let your thoughts come out the way that they come out.

And trying as hard as you can. It takes a lot of practice, but trying as hard as you can to.

Not assign judgment to the thoughts that.

Come out of this.

And so that was a lot of.

What I talked to the youth about, is to try to set this stage up for a potential way that they could sit and listen and just see what they're thinking. What happens when you sit there and.

Think what is coming out of that?

It was amazing to see.

And I really liked because we've experienced check previously. Four years ago, we went and I don't remember how solo time was set up, but obviously I identified with what you were saying, this judgment free thought download. Because that's something that I'll encourage with.

My clients is all right, before we.

Dig into this, let's just tell me what's on your brain. Tell me what thoughts you've had.

And there's a deep awareness in doing that.

And there's a benefit to doing that.

Because when we start to understand and.

See this narrative that just so naturally.

Plays in our mind, we can start.

To challenge it and say, is that something that we want to keep? Are these thoughts useful?

What are they creating for us?

And so first you've got to gain this awareness. And as you set the stage for that and then the kids, we walked.

Our families out into this kind of.

Just large open area again, the grass.

And the trees, and it was a big space.

And so our family was one of the first to walk out and we walked them kind of the furthest away from everyone else. And so it was a great time to just kind of walk and quiet ourselves as we walked and prepare for that.

And something that I found to be.

Real interesting is after everyone had settled, all the different families had settled, and the youth had found their spaces again.

I don't know, it was like, okay.

Let'S go for 10ft apart, right? If you're looking at someone, I want you to turn the other way. I really want you to have solo.

Time in this place. And it was about 45 minutes that.

They had to sit there and reflect and read letters and read scriptures or just not bug anyone, really. Like, if you're not going to do any of those, don't bug anyone. And I found it interesting. There were a couple of kids who.

Could not do it, and they could.

Do it for maybe a little bit, but they just physically could not be quiet that long, could not be still that long, could not sit without noise. And we're in a large physical space, and one child who cannot sit in.

Quiet suddenly becomes very noticeable. And had it not been solo time.

And everyone was doing their own thing, we would never have noticed that child. We wouldn't have even dawned on us that that child was moving. But when you get quiet, and that's the point of it, you suddenly notice things so much more. And so there's this deep power in silence and noticing, especially without judgment, of what's going on in our brains and those narratives. And so.

What do you think is.

The benefit of all of that, of watching our thoughts without judgment?

I think, for me at least, it.

Has been one of the most impactful.

Things potentially in my whole life, is.

Trying to do this reflecting and letting your thoughts happen without judgment. Kind of an example of how that might work.

I remember several years ago, I remember.

Thinking to myself that one of my goals was to think a little bit higher of other people. And not that I thought poorly of others, but it's really easy to judge other people if something were to happen. It's really easy to assign some kind of a negative motivation for what it was that they did to wonder why that they're not getting their life together, why are they not acting the way.

That I think that they should act?

And so several years ago, I thought.

To myself, I'd like to stop doing.

That, and I'd like to try to be less judgmental. I'd like to assume the best in people if I could. And so for some of the smaller.

Things, it wasn't too crazy to try.

To just catch myself and go, well, maybe. Let's not think negatively, let's think positively. But one thing that kept catching me was when people would ask for help, it would really get to me, and I would get really judgmental.

And I would think, I can't believe.

They'Re asking for help. They can't do that themselves. They're adults. Did they not know that they were going to become parents? Did they not know they were going to have this job? Did they not plan their life? And I would get really judgmental about that. And it was not a very small.

Thing that I could just go, oh.

Let'S just change my thinking and it's over. Because often when I would sit in silence and sit and have those thoughts come out, it's very easy to go, that's not what I'm trying to do here. I'm not trying to be judgmental. Why is this not aligning with the way that the person that I want.

To become and to quickly just cut.

It out and move on with your thinking. But in this strategy of just letting the thoughts go without judgment, it allowed me to be a little bit more curious of why that was even happening. And so then I thought to myself, okay, this seems to keep coming up, that when people want to ask for help, I get really judgmental. Why would I be judgmental about that? I actually love to help people. So if I love to help people, why would I get upset when people are asking for help? And it was so confusing.

So I would sit and think about.

It and try to figure out where that might come from.

And eventually I arrived at what it.

Was that was causing this thought process.

When I was a teenager, became hyper independent.

And I just decided, I guess, that if anything was going to be done, it wasn't going to be done with help, it was going to be done.

If I did it.

And so then that was kind of the way that I lived my life.

From then on, is I can't ask.

Other people for help. I need to make sure that I am very independent, I'm self sufficient. I need to make sure that everything.

That I do, I can do it on my own. And that's how I was living life. So I started to realize that I.

Felt like I couldn't ask people for.

Help because I had to be self sufficient.

And there were times where I wished I could ask people for help because I needed help, but I didn't. Because I thought, no, this is my life and I have to be responsible for my own life. So as I started going through this.

Thought process, I realized it wasn't that.

I thought other people couldn't handle themselves.

It'S that I was resentful because I.

Never asked other people for help. And I saw other people able to ask for help, which with seemingly no.

Problem, there could have been problems.

But from my perspective, it seemed easy for people to ask for help and.

I couldn't do it.

And so sitting in that silence and.

Trying not to judge myself for thinking.

A thought that was out of line for my goal of where I wanted to become, gave me the chance to work through the reason I was even thinking that in the first place.

And it ended up being far less.

About other people kind of mentioning back what we talked to in the beginning. It's far less about what other people are doing and so much more about what kind of a story I was telling myself and the thoughts and wounds.

That I had not worked through yet. And that was kind of a mind blowing realization that I had of, oh.

My goodness, I don't feel like I can ask people for help. Why is that? And so then that led to so many self discoveries and so many places that I could work on in my.

Own life that came from this thought.

That originally I would have judged harshly.

But I tried really hard to just.

Be curious of why I was even.

Having the thought in the first place. So I think if you practice and.

Work at it, this reflecting without judgment really can change the person that you are.

Amen.

Amen to all of it, right? Because when I am coaching with someone, this is what human nature is, is.

To find these faults in others, when in reality, it's because at the root.

Of that fault or judgment of someone else is a way in which we're judging ourselves. And so the self discovery that you have been through to get to that point, to see and reflect on why and you're spot on.

Curiosity is the exact opposite of judgment, right?

When you open yourself up to getting curious as to why someone's doing this.

Or why you're doing this, curiosity is beautiful.

And I will typically in group sessions or individual sessions, I'm like, okay, listen, we're trying not to get to the other end of the pot of gold, right at the other end of the rainbow. That's not where we're at. We're right in the middle between the clouds and the pot of gold.

And we want to be in curiosity mode.

We're in discovery mode when we're trying to understand something.

And so beautiful work.

I'm like, oh, my gosh, give the girl ten gold stars, right? Like, the work that you have done. And then again, it'll spread. You've used it as a teacher. You've used it in your calling with the youth, then Trek, and then I'm sure you've used that in your marriage and as a mother.

And so.

Why?

No, not why, but how?

When?

Where can we create the time and the space as mothers for silence?

Is there something that you do? Is it something that you want to.

Do more of or talk to me.

About that as a mom?

Now? How do we create a space to.

Do our thought download?

Yeah, that is such a great question. I would say I'm still in the beginning process of finding my quiet moments.

And I would even say that I'm.

Not sure if there's a beginning process. I think your whole life, because of how many transitions there are in life and how many different stages of life that you go into constantly. I think it's going to look different.

Throughout your whole life.

But something I have heard a lot of moms say that I really identify with right now. Although I'm not quite in the same stage as those moms is.

The car is a place that you.

Find yourself in all the time. And I'm not quite in the stage of taking several kids to several activities.

But because my kids are so young.

It seems that they need me almost all the time when I'm in the same building that they're in. And so if at any chance that I'm outside of the home, it's usually driving somewhere. So for me it has been in.

The car just thinking about how my.

Day went or thinking about how the latest experience went, like Trek or just letting my thoughts go and turning down the music. Sometimes when I'm feeling like I really.

Need a moment to myself to actually.

Honor that and not just think, oh, I'm too tired for that, but to actually just turn off the music and.

Just see where my thoughts go.

Occasionally I will have some music that I don't have to put a lot.

Of mental attention on. That just kind of like sets a.

Mood that is positive but maybe more reflective.

So it's not quite quick beats, really.

High energy, you could dance to it but maybe a little bit more mellow.

That lets me kind of relax into my thoughts. Another place that I have found being.

Able to think is the times that I would normally be scrolling on my phone for like a quick break. Usually those quick breaks which don't have to disappear. I really think that those quick social media scrollings are useful if you can.

Do it responsibly and not let it.

Take hours of your life. But most of the time when we're trying to scroll, it's because we're trying to numb away from whatever is happening currently. And so if you can notice yourself scrolling and think, is this because I want to find a funny video to laugh at or is this because I'm.

Trying to numb whatever's going on in.

My life, it's become too much that I can't be physically present in my body. I have to be scrolling on my phone so that I don't think about all these problems that are happening. That will be another time that I have found where I might have a few minutes to scroll. And I think, well if I'm scrolling it's probably because something's wrong and something feels overwhelming. Why is this feeling overwhelming? And then to start that process of.

Where are my thoughts going to go after that? Yeah.

And a term that I'll use in coaching is buffering. And so when we're trying to numb away, it's typically an emotion or a feeling that we don't want to feel. Maybe we're angry and we don't fully understand how to feel that anger. Scrolling is a buffer that we use so that we don't feel that emotion. Alcohol is a buffer. Pornography is a buffer. Scrolling is a buffer. Anything that's taken in.

Everyone'S extreme level is going to be different for some.

A mild use is someone else's extreme use. And so it's something that we do rather than processing a feeling or emotion.

That has come up in a situation. And so it's so interesting because like.

You'Re saying, in those moments of silence and in those spaces of quiet, you are going to feel emotion that seems uncomfortable.

Yes.

If you don't learn how to process.

How to feel, it's going to be.

Like, whoa, whoa, what is this kind of thing?

I'm not so sure.

And you can see that with our solo time on Trek, just being me and being a little bit curious, I wanted to talk to that child. But this is kind of my story that I put on it is they probably did feel something that was uncomfortable and so they had to quickly buffer and make a sound or a noise or an action. This is totally my assumptions to get.

Back to something that is more familiar for them.

And so creating that space, to feel the silence, to allow the thoughts.

And like you're saying, we can do.

That in our car. And maybe we do have a little.

Bit of music on just to kind.

Of set the stage.

I know during the pandemic for me.

I've talked about this before, my magic carpet. We got this brand new shacky carpet and I was overwhelmed with the kids all online and me trying to work at the same time. And I really just needed this visual space. I call it my magic carpet, where I'm like, oh my gosh, just let me sit. Nobody talk to me. Just let me think, right? And so we can create those spaces within our home. Is it time away from the family while they quietly do something and we.

Go in our room? Is it time outside of the home in the car?

For me personally, it's been a religious opportunity for me where I do spend time in the temple to reflect. And that space is devoted to more of how to say this like an earthly silence and more of a tuned in spiritual connection. But that requires time, space, energy, all the above. So where I guess for our listeners and to kind of leave them with.

This is where is your space physically.

Emotionally, all of the above, where you.

Can sit in silence and curiosity, where.

You can drop the judgment and watch.

Your thoughts drive by.

I love the visual of the cars and the people walking by.

Right?

Like, we like the people watch. We like to go to Costco and all that and watch people watch. Where can we create that space? Or how can we create that space so we can watch these thoughts go.

By to more fully understand ourselves and to drop the judgment of it and.

Just allow ourselves to be human, allow ourselves to have these thoughts. Because as we gain the awareness we can decide what works and what it doesn't work.

And so with all of this, what.

Is maybe one message that you want to leave with our listeners?

One message that I would leave is.

To not downplay the effects that can.

Come from being more present with your own thoughts. I.

Look at so many of the problems and the hard things that are.

Going on in the world and I.

Realize that all of these are extremely complex and there are so many contributing factors to why some of these hard things are happening.

But my own personal opinion is that.

So many people are living in survival mode.

So many people are living in a.

State of just moving on to the next thing and moving on to the next thing and just trying to get through it because something inside is so.

Heavy to carry that it is exhausting.

To do whatever it is they're asked to do.

And so I really think some of.

These terrible things that happen or even some of the smaller issues that happen.

Within family relationships or within friendships aren't always this way. But I really think a lot of.

People are living in this survival mode where it's hard for them to be actually present. And occasionally the weight that they don't.

Realize that they're carrying can explode and.

Happen in different areas that you didn't expect them to happen. And it could create conflicts that you maybe didn't want to have happen, that maybe you blame on somebody else. Because how dare they?

And not to say that people can't.

Really hurt you, because they can. But I would say to not downplay.

The life changing skill it is to sit in your thoughts.

Because I really think, as each person deals with their own wounds and their.

Own just tough areas in their lives.

That just feels like they might not be able to get past if we can sit through those and be personally.

Responsible for our own stuff and work.

Through our own stuff.

If everybody did that, the way we.

Would interact with other people would be extremely different. And this, again, is an opinion. I don't have research, and I'm still very young and learning lots of things, but I strongly believe that our relationships.

With almost anybody and our interactions with.

Everybody would be so much different in my own life. The way that I show up in all these different areas of my life is so much different since being able to work through my own wounds and.

My own just tough and soft spots within me.

Once I've been able to work through.

Those, I've been able to show up more whole and more comfortable and confident within myself to be there for other people.

So I guess that would be my.

Thing, is don't downplay the possibilities of sitting in your thoughts.

Beautifully said. I compare it to a tractor spring or a piece of large equipment. If you think about that spring and all the energy that has to go.

Into compressing a spring, that spring will eventually explode, right? If we don't allow it to kind of soften and relax and it can cause damage, if we don't allow it.

To do its thing right, it can explode in several different ways. That energy has to come out. And so as we sit and notice our thoughts and allow them and process.

The emotions that come up, we allow.

As we process the emotion we allow that emotion to work itself out, rather.

To explode out and explode.

In such a way that can damage.

Our own mental health, our own wellness.

Our own physical health, damage relationships, whether with the family, friends, like you said.

Community and seeking these buffering behaviors to.

Kind of smoosh that spring down that emotional spring down again.

Because as we learn to process the.

Emotion that comes up with watching our.

Thoughts, we can then work through that.

In a healthy way to release the.

Energy that comes with it.

Yeah.

And I really feel like for me it was surprising the things I needed.

To work through because for me, it wasn't that I got in an actual.

Fistfight or it wasn't that I maybe destroyed some of my furniture in some kind of a rage. There definitely are situations where that does happen and that also needs to be addressed. But for me, in my previous story about how I couldn't ask for help, I don't think I would have realized that I didn't feel like I could.

Ask for help if I wasn't sitting.

In my thoughts thinking about something that seemed unrelated to me. I was just trying to maybe judge.

People a little bit less and all.

Of a sudden found out that I felt like I could never ask for help.

And being a mom, there are lots.

Of times where I'm going to need to ask for help.

And so for me, in something that.

Seemed unrelated and that sounds maybe less groundbreaking than fixing someone who comes out in these rage outbursts.

But this particular experience for me will.

Change the way that I parent for the rest of my mothering career.

And it was so small that if.

I were to have been listening maybe to a podcast like this episode and to think, well, I don't have these outbursts, I don't go crazy, I don't break stuff, I think I'm pretty much fine.

And maybe you are.

But I would wager that every person on the planet could learn something about themselves in silence that they would not have learned otherwise.

That seems very small but will impact.

The rest of your life. Like that experience will impact the rest of my life.

It's the ripple effect, the ripple effect of one individual growing and developing and.

Expanding in their own emotional independence.

It can be felt throughout all generations of their family because you set the.

Stage for your children. You give them the tools that they need. They're going to have their own stuff to work through, but you're now going to provide different tools, have different conversations. It's going to affect your relationship with your spouse. All of that is a ripple effect.

As we move forward.

And so I'm like Dang, Stephanie like Stephanie for is this is exactly I think there are going to be so many mothers that identify with the work that you have done. And so thank thank you you thank.

You for sharing every piece of it.

That you've learned, and I hope that we can continue to hear from you. I know that we're going to do an article. It'll be in the magazine in the coming months as we talk a little bit more about emotional independence. And so thank you for sharing your thoughts today.

Thank you for having me on.

It was so much fun. Actually, this is an awesome conversation. We'll definitely do it again.